I made cookies and went to the cookie swap with my bff at her sisters.  There were about 15 or so women there, lots of good snacks, and drinks.  We sat around in her kitchen and family room talking, lots of cookies on the table.  There weren’t a lot of women I knew there, but as usual with my friend’s family, everyone is welcoming.

I got into a conversation with a woman next to me, and turns out she is a nurse who practices integrative therapies such as reiki, and energy balancing, intuitive therapy.  We had a lot to talk about!  She is also into gemstones, and their metaphysical properties.  We talked and talked, we exchanged emails. I told her about the gong baths, and she sounded like she’d love to come.   It was very cool to make a new friend, but we both felt like we were supposed to meet.  One of those people that the universe puts in your path for a reason.

This morning A was talking to me about how he’s going to see this woman he met online in Michigan.  I have known about this, I think he’s a little crazy to do it, but it’s his life.  I am not jealous, at all.  My relationship with him isn’t physical or committed.  We are close, we share all our thoughts, but we’re just close close friends.  Then he said, “I’ll only be two days away from you……”  “I could come see you, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

I was a little blindsided, but didn’t know how to respond.  A said, “I love our relationship, I don’t want to do anything to change it….I could sleep on the couch but what are the chances of that….”  And he was right about that…

But, I just went through this with him over the Christmas thing.  I love having him 2000 miles away, it is perfect for me.  We aren’t involved physically, I don’t want a long distance intimate relationship….But something about the whole question bothered me.

I realized that he was talking about coming to see me, and sleep with me, after seeing the woman in Michigan and sleeping with her.   I know our relationship is difficult to understand, but that one fact….

I texted him, saying, “I know you love me and would never hurt me, Addie.  But please understand that for 6 months Scott went from her bed to mine, and mine to hers, and you suggesting that you come here, from the MI woman….just made me remember what that felt like.  I know you didn’t mean to, we are ok, but I needed to tell you….”

He said he was sorry, he didn’t want to cause me pain, he just thought he should say something about being “so close”.  I said, “1000 miles away is still a long ways away.  I’ve known you were going there for some time now.  I just wish we’d have left it alone.”

He apologized again.

I know if I would commit to a relationship with him, there would be no other women.  I know he wants to see me, because he loves me.  I’ve tried to be clear with him where I’m at.

I also told him, if we decide to be together, then we will make a plan that is just about us….not part of a road trip…..

I couldn’t help but feel disappointed in him.  He knows, probably better than anyone, how devastated I was by Scott’s actions, because he sat with me on the phone for hours the day after, and talked me down over and over.  And again and again, as the drama continued with Scott, Addie was there for me.  He just didn’t think this through, he just got excited at the idea of seeing me again.  I know this, I know his heart is good.  But how he could suggest that he come see me, after he sees another woman…

I don’t do casual sex.  I don’t sleep with a man because it’s convenient, because he happens to be in the neighborhood.  Addie knows this.  I don’t know what possessed him to make such an inappropriate suggestion to me…no matter how much he wants to see me.

If he’d taken me up on the 5 days around New Years….and not tried to turn it into 2 1/2 weeks, it might have worked, or I might have gotten sick of him in 5 days.  I don’t know, but at least it would have just been about he and I.

I was so disappointed, in him, for the first time ever.  I want to go back to our close, intimately sharing thoughts, and feelings, but just friends.  I don’t know if it’s possible.  I thought I got over it while at the cookie swap, because I know he was just being thoughtless, not evil.  I trust him…

I sent him a text when I got home, and a picture of my plate of cookies though, and have heard nothing.  Maybe he’s upset now.  Idk.  I don’t want any drama about it.

But one of the things that builds trust is the G in Brene Brown’s anagram for trust, BRAVING…G is for generosity.  I will be generous with Addie, and tell him that he did this, that it bothered me, but that I know he loves me, and I just wanted to tell him what I was thinking.  It doesn’t really change the way I feel about him, he is still a very dear man to me.  Generous in that I know he didn’t want to hurt me….I know that he didn’t mean to do what he did, and I know he loves me. I think the best of him.  Not the worst.  Because he’s proven to me that I can trust him.