I woke up this morning feeling sick, a sure sign my emotions have been bubbling up in my solar plexus all night.

I realize, in part thanks to my friend Emma, that I have done a fair bit of projecting what was done to me onto A’s actions.  And truth is, I was lied to, deceived, manipulated…and A is not doing that.  He is up front in his intentions, he’s not misleading anyone.  He’s a good, honest man.

He’s doing what he has to do to try to get past the heartache I’ve given him, because I cannot love him in that way.

And I miss him already in my life.

I sent him a message, saying, I know that all this is really none of my business. I am sorry I projected my pain onto you.  I know you would never do to anyone what was done to me.  I love you, I miss you.

It’s his business, and that of the women he dates.  He treats me with respect and unconditional love.

I won’t lie when I say all this kind of tore a hole in the healing I’ve done as I had to remember what it felt like to be so betrayed by someone I loved so much.

I did my meditation this morning, on acceptance, and I tried to just settle down and stop remembering the pain I dealt with, because it has nothing to do with A.  I ended up doing self-Reiki, to balance myself again.  I was crying.  I realized there are probably layers and layers of pain buried deep from my experience that I’m going to have to deal with. And I have to deal with them without making them someone else’s problem.

I am pretty confident that A won’t hold a grudge with me, that he knows what caused it.  He’s not good at the hard conversations, he has a hard time with them.  But he’s been there for me, every dark day that S caused me, A was there to shine a light.  That’s worth some extra work on my part.