Well well well.  A flipped me out today, not in a good way.  I’m sad about it, but it is what it is.

I had said I thought he was on a date last night.  Late last night I got a good night from him, saying he was out.  No kiss emoticons, or hearts, his stand by.  I figured, he’s on a date,whatever.  I don’t need them, lol, I am just used to his big displays of love.  This morning, I texted him good morning as usual, nothing.  An hour later, I said, My intuition tells me you are with someone, so I’ll talk to you later.

Way later, I get a text from him, that he is at Tobi’s (the Santa Fe Christmas woman’s name I guess…).  He’s staying there this week to see how they are after a week together.  He would still like to hear from me but won’t be responding as much or as quickly.

Sayyyy what?????  He just MET this woman Friday night!  Now, seriously, I have had a lot of affection for this man, because when I was broken he was there declaring his undying love for me, picking me up, helping me to put one foot in front of the other.

But ever since I told him not to come here at Christmas, he’s been acting out in ways I cannot comprehend.  I thought it was way inappropriate to talk about Christmas with someone he’d had one date with.  But to move into her house, 2 days after he asked if he could come here to visit after he goes to Michigan?  It’s not that I’m jealous, because I’m not, but I had NO IDEA that he was so needy that he would do something like this.  And how needy is she?  For God’s sake.

He just broke up with the other one sometime last week.  And has plans to go to Michigan the third week of January.  And now he’s holed up at this woman’s house to “see how we are….”

Geezus…  I mean geezus.

I just don’t know him anymore.  I don’t want to know someone so needy.  He’s acting out, something, for someone.  He says he loves me very much.  That’s nice.  Really.  But apparently he loves every woman who gives him the time of day.  What’s special about it?  And I don’t feel that kind of love for him anyway.  But I felt blindsided.  He wants to be best friends, and send “kisses”…. and in the meantime move into the house of a woman he just met for a week…

UGH.  Sorry A.  Be happy and enjoy.  But see ya….he’s crazy.  So he is honest about it with everyone, he’s not a liar and a cheat. But he is needy, and crazy. I dislike men who are needy.  And I just don’t want crazy in my life.  I’ve had enough crazy.  No judgement.

Aren’t there any normal men out there?  That won’t lie and cheat and deceive, and will just let a relationship grow, instead of forcing it?

Cripes.  Well, I’m gladder (is that a word?) than ever that I kept saying no, don’t come see me.  I said it for a lot of reasons, but being true to myself, that I couldn’t feel that connection to him, proved to be the right thing, because now I feel no connection.

ONWARD.

I had a really wicked energy vibe about Scott’s health today.  I thought maybe it was repercussions mixed in with Addie’s crazy behavior . I drafted an email, to tell him, it was that strong.  I thought I’d wait til all the stuff from the day settled out to decide to send it.  I haven’t sent it yet, I still feel strongly about it.  But I also am afraid to open a can of worms that might be better left unopened.  IDk.  I’m not really afraid to talk to him, but like I said last night, there is so much pain between us, he at me for making him tell Betty and finishing the job off myself, so that the truth was out.  And me, at him, for….everything.

I’ve missed him the last couple days, probably because I was triggered by A’s stupid request to come see me when he leaves Michigan’s bed….But what I missed about Scott is sitting on my deck laughing, which had nothing to do with the lies and deception.  God, I haven’t had a belly laugh in 3 or 4 months.

I’m not sure we could ever get to the laughing point again.

I’ll leave it be for the time being.  I am feeling it about his health, but what good would it do to tell him?  Just thinking that as a cancer survivor, early detection is important?  Maybe he’s got a cold.  Who the hell knows why I get these vibes.  I couldn’t send him reiki, I couldn’t get my head into that place on my lunch break, probably because I as still picking my jaw up off the floor that Addie had moved in with a stranger for a week…to see how they are…..(shakes head, again….)

I do think that these two men have been intertwined in my life for a long time.  I think it’s a good thing to make a clean break from both of them.  They are opposite ends of the spectrum.  S lied, deceived, manipulated, but he wasn’t crazy or needy.  A couldn’t lie or deceive on his worst day, but he’s crazy.  And so needy.

Time to head out for new unexplored territory I think.

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