Ok, I’ve been a little morose today.  I’m home alone, though my son will be home later to have Christmas Eve dinner with me.  But I missed not having someone, even the narc or the sociopath, around for the holidays.

Which is stupid, because the sociopath made sure every holiday was about him, and not in a good way.  He’d have a fit over something, anything, and we’d all be put in our place.  S, well, I saw him the weekend after, not for Christmas.  He went to  his ex-wife’s to see his kids, that was fine.  We had a nice weekend after, exchanged gifts.  That was before BB came back into his life.

So today I just wished there was someone around, family, friends or someone!!!  But I know all my friends are either working today or getting ready to have company etc.  So it was me by myself.

I had to go out to get wine and Amaretto (for the sauce for a cake).  I packed a small container of cookies and one of the soup my ex’s mother used to make, and took it to his house.  I parked about halfway down the driveway so he wouldn’t hear me (it’s long, about 200 ft, and winds through woods to the lake) and walked up and put the bag on his door.   He was home, I’m sure because his three cars were in the driveway.  3 cars, and he doesn’t sell any of them.  And he’s broke.  It’s so weird to look at my old house next door and no one is living there at the moment.  I’m guessing they are doing some major renovation inside before anyone moves in.  But it was still strange.  I don’t know how he can stand it, to be less than 100′ away from his home of 40 years.  And why he has 3 cars…..  He wanted me to loan him $7K to keep the boat from getting auctioned off.  But wouldn’t sell a car or two.  Oh well, not my worry.   I hope he finds the bag of stuff…though he may not if he doesn’t go out.  Crazy….

Anyway, when I got back from that excursion, I was looking through some old conversations between S and I…and really, that got me out of the doldrums.  He was so in denial, trying to undo the things he said to me, and earlier, trying to keep me in his life.  Geezus.  I realized just how self-centered he was, just how little he cared really about anyone, except for his own pleasure.  And I sighed a big sigh, realized how fortunate I was to find out the truth and not waste any more of my precious time or love on him,  and got back to myself.

No, there’s no one special right now in my life.  I still feel like there will be, and in the not too distant future.  I asked the pendulum, lol.  It agreed. I put some Christmas Carols on and got busy in the kitchen.  I began to think about my son being home, and how lucky I am to be with him, and here.  When I went to the package store, I saw my bffs nephew, who I will see tomorrow at her house. He is like family to me too.  I really have so much going for me in my life.  No one special, well, that’s something that can’t be remedied til I find the right person.  I’m sure he’s out there.

It’s also SOOOO strange to go outside and the temps are like spring or fall.  It’s actually humid, in the 60’s.  No jacket needed.  We are breaking every record held for temperature in New England this weekend.  And next week, they’re predicting snow on Tuesday.  Well, it had to come sometime, lol.

So, now that I’ve stopped feeling sorry for myself…..lol, I wish everyone Happy Holidays.   Heading back to the kitchen, lol.  Maybe I’ll have some Christmas liquid spirit while I cook!

Peace……