I’ve been doing little things around the house that need doing, to keep busy, to keep my mind off of the stuff that takes over if I don’t keep myself busy.

I sat down for a few minutes to have a cup of tea.  To put my mother’s silver in the wooden case made for it, because she gave it to me a year or more ago, and I hadn’t put it away.  I hung an outdoor thermometer.  I cleaned my stove top really good and the counters.  I vacuumed, changed sheets.  I went on ebay and bought a new tail light for my car, and had to open my mail and reset the password for ebay, because I couldn’t remember it.

Then I decided to start going through all the mail I’d sent to Scott over 18 months, and deleting it.  I was reading last summers mail….things I would write him in the morning, or evening when I wasn’t seeing him.  My God, how I loved that man.  I took it all on myself, as to why we weren’t getting along, I was shouldering all the blame, I was so hurting.  I never wrote here about being with him, because he’d asked me not to.  So I didn’t, instead I’d write to him, I’d email him and tell him how it hurt that he only would come for a few hours on a Wed or a Friday or a Sunday, and how he would never spend the night.  One weekend he told me he had to work, the next that he was busy, and I always believed him, I always went along with it, and blamed myself that he didn’t want to make time for me.

And all the while he was with her….all the while, he was the one putting up barriers.  Keeping me hanging on, while he was with her.  Not telling me the truth, allowing me to be in pain, and blame.

He used to call himself “incorrigible”.  Like he thought it was kind of cute, a funny kind of impish thing.  It’s far too good a word for what he was.  In late April and early May I was sending him emails about our plans for Florida.  By May 10 he had changed his mind about going.  So…that’s when it all happened, that’s when he saw her, that’s when they got back together, and he made up so much crap to me, so I would believe there was something I could do to change things.  And hang on, and on.  Despite an obvious knowledge on my part that it couldn’t work out if we never saw each other.  And his obvious wanting to keep me on the side.

I stopped reading them when I got back to the time before her….that was just too painful.  I’m leaving those for a different day.  Brutal.

I loved him so fucking much.  And he was such a self centered son-of-a-bitch narcissist, lying and deceiving and putting all the burden on me.  And giving me scraps off his table, playing push-pull, just taking in all the love I could give him, and giving it to someone else.  He had to rob me to give to her.  Because he had nothing of his own to give anyone.

Empty soul sucking vampire.

He wanted me to believe he loved her at the end.  Sure, Scott,that’s why a month before you finally told me about her (because I was about to show up at your house), you came to me, climbed into my bed, then and looked me in the eye and said, “I’m so disappointed that you would think I’d jump back into a relationship with her after what she did to me.”  In September.

You’d been with her since May.   And you denied her, over and over to me.

And you think that you loved her in some way?  That making me, or anyone, think she was not a factor in your life was loving her?  Honoring her? Respecting her?

Then I find out she’d done nothing to you?  And you’d betrayed her, when you were together before me, and then again with me, all the time…..not letting me go.  By fucking me when you could, when I’d accept the few hours you offered me because I fucking loved you so much and missed you so much, by making me believe I was the only one in your life.

I think I’m clear now.  It wasn’t how I wanted to spend my afternoon, but it gave me clarity.  Self-serving, self-absorbed, blood-sucking, unable-to-stand-on-your-own-two-feet vampire.

I have prayed for you, that you can find a way to live that doesn’t devastate you and everyone you meet. That maybe you can learn your karmic lessons still and not have to repeat them over and over.

Now I just hope no one else falls victim to your pathological blue eyes, and sob stories.  I hope Betty has learned her lesson with you, and never talks to you again.   I fucking loved you so so much…..Geezus.  I’m guessing she did too.  I’m not worried about her.  She’s a beautiful woman, she will find someone else, someone who will care for her the way she deserves.  So will I.   You empty hole in the ground.  Call the prison whore, that’s all you deserve.