It’s pouring rain here. We’re all glad it’s not snow. If it was it would be measured in feet.
I have been unsettled, uneasy for a couple days now. Idk if the old memories are a cause or a symptom. I can’t help but think about S all the time. Mostly, about how he could so easily say he didn’t want me there when it suited him. I suppose a lot of my unease comes from that. I’ve never once come to his house when he said he didn’t want me to. Case in point is Super Bowl Sunday. Even though that day he told me multiple times he wished I was there. When I asked “should I come then?” And he said no… I stayed home. Why did he have to make up that story? It angered me at first, still does. But it hurts too. As if, as if I ever would come to his home and spend the night without an invitation. I may have originated the idea, it was his birthday. But had he hesitated….at all… I’d have stayed home. He thought it was a good enough idea, that he suggested I should come very early and wake him. Then he called me at 5:30 AM and said “no make it later.” he was afraid i was on my way because I am often up early, and had done that before. I laughed. No, I wasn’t even awake. “How about 4 or 5 “I asked. “No, he replied. “Earlier. 1 or 2”. So I said ok. And left it at that.
Then he says he didn’t want me there? Is that any different than the denial of last fall, where he denied to her a relationship at all with me? Or, for that matter, where he denied her to me?
How does someone do that? We had such a nice weekend. And now I think of it, and want to cry, and then just want to get his face out of my head. Wish I’d never taken his call weeks before. Wish I’d never seen him at all, never tried to help him, never tried to talk him down from the edge of the abyss. I wish I’d never loved him at all. Wish I could say I didn’t now. I’m working on it.
I got nothing from him but more pain and misery. No thanks, no care, no concern, no nothing but an empty void again, that I have to deal with alone.
And I will. I am. I am practiced with him. I’m fucking good at it by now. But the desire to erase him from my cognitive mind is strong and I hope remains that way. How could I have given him so much of me, in return for betrayal after betrayal? Never never again. Never will I answer a call. Or any other way he may try to reach me.
I used to tell my ex he will die old and sick and all alone because he pushed away the people who really love him. S will do the same. Sad so sad, but it’s what he wants. Or he wouldn’t deny in the next breath those who loved him beyond limit.
Just thoughts from the middle of the day.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
Ugh… I know these sorts of feelings all too well… my narcissistic ex did this a whole lot, tried to minimize our relationship by lying and twisting the truth.. for instance saying that we saw each other only 5 times last year ( Um, it was more like 20 but ok…). I can not answer to why other ppl do this, but when narcissists do it, it is because they do not want to be accountable for their actions… ( they “know” that if you can claim that you have some sort of “relationship” with them, that you can also put “demands” on them. They prefer to be free to live their Double lives instead.. hence the minimizing / twisting it into something else than it was)…. hugs and take care my friend. 💜
Yes well that he is. I think it has much to do with him feeling guilty that B was hurt. So he tried to make it somehow my fault. Tho she’s not that stupid. She knows if i was there it’s because he wanted me there. So now he’s got us both hurt, and only speaking for myself, completely never wanting anything to do with him. From my interaction with her I would guess she feels the same, especially if she has been reading my blog and knows he was in my bed a week after she left, while he’s leaving her voice mails and texts and apologizing. It’s all about not being accountable.
I just listened to his one VM he left me, saying he owned his story and he knows I was hurt too, and he doesn’t know why I’m so upset and hoping he’d have an opportunity to talk. I answered him in an email and have not heard a peep since. And now that I’ve made full disclosure here, I’m guessing he’s pretty angry with me, lol. Because whatever bs he tried to fabricate just turned him back into the liar he is.
Not my problem now. I sat with it, I’m over it. I hope she is too. We both deserve better.
I have no idea if he is a N or not, you know that better than me ☺ But if he is, he does not even feel guilt unfortunately (cause they can not feel that feeling. Now it may be a person with “some” N traits could feel remorse and guilt, so maybe that is the case here).
My ex, a bona fide narc at least in my book, lol, never had any genuine remorse or guilt… he was only ever sad for himself (boo hoo, now you made me look bad / boo hoo, now I can’t get what I want for the moment)..
I can not know what the case is here but the main thing is that you are seeing clearly that you got hurt repeatedly and anyone who does that to us do not deserve us..
Glad you are seeing clearly and taking care of yourself. And it is good to sit with all that stuff… though it is tough work. Hugs!! 💜 🌸 🌸
Yes. Exactly i don’t really care if he fits the demographic. He is basically out for himself and only feels remorse when he gets caught. lol. He would have been fine if she never found out lol. But she did so he’s remorseful now. lol.