For the last couple days, S has been on my mind a lot. I think partly because our energetic connection was amplified by going to the medium Friday night.
I have been thinking about January, and how he turned it into something other than it was, because of his guilt that B was hurt by it. I though about how when we first talked, he was so distraught, he begged me to just talk to him, because he had no one he could talk to. He told me, “Deb, I need to talk to someone, and you’re all I have. You’re it.” And talking led to old emotions, old intimacies… but it was still mostly just talking, mostly I was just offering up the unconditional love I’ve always had, and trying to help him get through those first dark days he had when B first found out the depth of the relationship that S and I had. He was scared, and alone, and really, whatever we had I knew it was not lasting then, but I was happy that he still thought of me as someone he was close to, and I just tried to help him.
Yes, we were also intimate. That, combined with talking, was always our comfort zone. If we had an issue, we would be intimate, and then talk about it, it was always easier. And really, I think that’s all that was going on in January. We were intimate, and then I talked him down, I tried to imagine how B felt, and explain it to him. After all, I had been in that same position as her, and I was quite able to empathize.
Then when she found out that he’d once again been with me, he couldn’t explain that to her, because he just couldn’t. Communication is not his strong suit. She had pain, I think that the pain would have been more assuaged if he had just said, “Yes, Deb actually helped me to understand what you were feeling. But one thing led to another, and we kind of fell into bed, her mother just died, she was hurting, I was hurting from your leaving….” Like I say, that part has always been easy for us, maybe because we always communicated on a very real level.
It just infuriated me then, to have him denigrate what was a different, but loving relationship into something prurient. It wasn’t. We cared so much for each other, but not in the way of a romantic relationship. When I said to him, “You don’t have any love for me” and he answered, “You know that’s not true.” I knew that he did, it was a different kind of love, and I had the same for him. It was not a binding, attached love. It was deeper than friendship, there is an underlying connection between us that neither of us could ever deny. It wasn’t what he felt with her, and that was fine with me. I never wanted what he had with her, I always wanted my own account with him, filled only with whatever was ours. It was when he tried to bankrupt that account that I got angry. It took nothing from her, for him to care the way he did for me. Our relationship was never definable. It is still there, even though we don’t talk. I never wished ill for him, or for her, or for their relationship. I only wanted him to be happy, and it’s still my wish.
Regardless, I am now seeing that he just wasn’t able to speak the truth to her about it, and about our relationship. It had nothing to do with their relationship. I loved him, I will probably always love him. I know how messed up he is, at a very deep level. I know I want more than he could ever offer me. I have let go of the anger, I have replaced it with understanding that we all do the best we can from where we are at the time. He was so confused, so filled with guilt for hurting her. He didn’t try to hurt her, he just didn’t think it through, he just has such a hard time seeing the broader implications of his actions. I hope now he can. Or is learning, anyway. I think he felt he had to take it from me, to assuage her. But no, he only had to give to her. She didn’t need him to take it from me. He only had to speak the truth.
He has been silent, and I’ve had him blocked. His silence, I assume, is to prove to B he is faithful. Personally, I think that is proved by actions, not by whether or not he talks to me, not by whether or not he can end our relationship or change it, so that we can feel good about what we had, and move on. It will be proven by him growing, and understanding his own emotions, not going for what feels good in the moment, but figuring out what will be for his highest good and those around him. How much better would it have been, for him, if we had just talked, and not become intimate again?
I have him blocked, because I just don’t want any more drama with the two of them. I don’t want to be the distraction around which they bond. I want to move on with my life, and there is no indication from him that he can acknowledge that he and I had a very special relationship, which he leaned on in a dark time. For me, being intimate with him, soothed over his cruel rejection. But so did talking, so did just being in close communication, opening hearts to the truth. It was good to know that we could still have that verbal and physical intimacy, but I didn’t need the physical. I enjoyed it, I have always enjoyed it with him. I would like to still know that we had it, not to act on it, but to know that relationship didn’t have to be decimated because of someone else’s pain. It had nothing to do with her.
So where I’m going is trying to just let go of my anger and confusion over how he attacked me, trying to just wish them well. During that time in January, he read a meme from FB to me on the phone….it said something about my unconditional love always being with you even if I’m not with you. He said, “I think this describes you.”
That is something I can hold on to. Yes, it will always be with him. I will always want his happiness. That’s really the only way I can move on. I hope some day he and I can be friends again.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
You’re probably already familiar with this quote by Liz Gilbert, but I think it absolutely applies to the situation with you & S: “When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains”
Once you’ve had some healing time and distance, I truly hope friendship will be something that you can both work towards.
Me too Megan. Thank you for understanding. Xo
Do you really think you could ever be friends again? After all the lies and deception…how he placated “her” at your expense…diminishing the relationship you had together? Allowing him back into your life, even under the guise of “friendship” is giving him control…no matter how it’s viewed or how it is downplayed….it would be control.
Yeah. I do. I know who he is. I always have to go back to unconditional love, not romantic, but the kind of love that hopes he’ll be changed into a better person by it, even if she’s the one who benefits. Maybe it will change her too, if she sees its possible. The only force for positive change is love. It’s the only way I can move on and feel good about my life. Those who seem to least deserve it need it the most. Gotta be always rising. Rising strong. Xo
Yeah, I remember Loser telling me that “never seeing me or talking to me again would kill him.” Ehh….he’s got his WTC to soothe his mortal wounds. LOL
Oh, I meant to tell you. When we were talking about mediums and readers, I remembered a girl telling me that for somebodys’ birthday, they hired a medium to come “read” for all of them.
One of the girls went up and sat down. The medium said “I’m sorry. I can’t read for you.”
A week later, that girl was dead.
Yikes!!! I don’t expect to be friends with him, like not the kind who hang out together. I just want a positive ending do I can go to Florida an be free of all the negative crap that happened since she found out I was at his house for the weekend. I just want a positive resolution. Nothing more than untainted memories.
Kind of like what I told Loser? I said “it would be wonderful if we could have a deep, emotional (albeit distant) connection that would never end.”
Problem with that was that he wanted it to be a three-way…LOL
Ok. lol. I don’t think Scott has any illusions about that! Lol.
Well…you know Loser….it was all about HIM. LOL
S is like that a lot, but occasionally he can see past his nose and I hope it’s that guy who reads this.
When he reads your posts, do you think it has any impact on him at all? Do you think he finds a way (in his head) to make everything your fault?
I’ve often wondered if Loser reads mine but I suspect he wouldn’t have been able to get past the first post. He would be throwing his Ipad down and bitching to the WTC that I “am trashing him…which proves that I’m insane.)
If S is reading your posts, do you think he shares it with her? Do you think they discuss it?
He’s been reading them for the last year. He actually does understand me, and knows everything that has happened were caused by his lies and deception. Tho I know he still wished i didn’t feel she had to know. We are ok on all of it. All the recent nastiness was about his guilt over hurting her again. It really had nothing to do with me. He just couldn’t own what he’d done. I think he’s figured it out now tho. And this post really, I hope gives even more clarity.
Hmm… I am the boring skeptical here… but I am with Laurel on her initial questions there. To me, a friend is a person who ALWAYS looks out for your best interest, who “has your back”, who offers something genuinely positive, enriching to your life… And a person who you really can trust.
For all these reasons, I can’t help but wonder, how good a friend S. could truly be… I am saying that because he has already shown how he acts, denying your relationship, lying, and so on…
I don’t know. Perhaps he can grow and change, though I doubt he will in this lifetime, from all you have told here. Perhaps my interpretation of friendship is too deep and serious.. I am not saying you could never be friends, I am just a bit skeptical as to how trusting and deep a friendship it would be (assuming he kept on being this person that he has been til now).
NOT judging. Just looking out for ya! Hugs! I think it is admirable of you to consider being friends with a person like S. He should be lucky to hve you as a friend, cause you are so kind and true. xo
Really, I just want an ending with him that isn’t so marked by the nastiness. And that was really all because somehow she got involved in my relationship with him, which was already over. But he put her there. It’s funny, all the things he used to accuse me of, were really projections of what she does. She’s much more jealous than I. She speaks for him, she tells him what he can and can’t do, from what I can see. But like I say, he’s different with her. Not the same man.
It would be easier too, if I felt no friggin energetic connection to him. If he was like my ex I. That regard, I’d be able to walk away not caring. Feeling his energy is difficult when I can’t speak with him. And there is an undeniable connection.
But you guys have a point. He has an opening at the moment to part in a way that’s is kinder and gentler. If he doesn’t want it, not gonna lose any sleep over it. I’ve extended the olive branch, mostly so I can walk away, as a person who extends unconditional love in the way I live, including with someone who has behaved badly with me. His behavior reflects badly on him in the end. It doesn’t change me. I can maybe shine a light, and show him a different way, maybe even her. Who knows. But this is who I am at the end of the day. I gotta be true to that. 😄
I understand you completely. I have tried so many times to end things in a friendly way, to have a nice talk, to sort things out, etc. It was never possible for me with ex Narc. He could never let go and wish me well. Or be a real friend. Or get the hell out of town. Lol. Nope. He had to keep me dangling on the hook at all times, always on the backburner if one of his new sources didn’t work out. Always, always games with him…. no sincerity. I am not saying S. is the same, but… yeah, I have my doubts and thoughts, and so on.
I know you will find a good path for you. You do have much wisdom and clarity on things. Take care, friend! 🙂
He is the same. His methods might be slightly altered but in the end hes the same. I still fool myself every once in a while. But thankfully I never do it for too long. I love having you guys here to remind me who he is and what he will bring me.
It is no wonder we can be fooled sometimes, with people who are so good at fooling people… 😉
It is good when we get wake-up calls or reminders, that get us on a good path again. After a while, as you say, we get up faster, brush ourselves off, and just keep on going.. I feel sorry for them though, they are the ones left behind, in the darkness, not moving towards light..
Take care. xo