The house.  Inspections were done today.

I didn’t expect them to show no problems.  And they didn’t.  The electric service needs to be upgraded.  $2000 to $2500.  The windows need replacing, which I knew about, $3000.  So, I’m still within budget.

But there might be a mold problem.  We need to know that, and what has been done about it.  If nothing, then I will give the house up.  That’s  a serious health issue. I know the fence needs fixing.  Landscaping needs doing.  Those are minor though, and not urgent.

So we’ll get the written reports tomorrow, and maybe try to get an estimate on fixing the fence.    The electric and the windows can be done before I get down there.  I also need to buy a storage shed, and want a good sized one.  I think we’re looking at an exra $10k to $12K.  We may have bargaining power to get it down a few thousand, that would be good.  Still think it will work out.

We had to give her the deposit, but we have a week to rescind the contract.  The plumbing in the house was fine. That was good.  So, it’s not a done deal.  At this point I still want it.  But I’m not attached to the outcome at all.  If it doesn’t work out, something else will.

I am a little embarrassed by my last blog and how much credit I was giving S.  Because at the end of the day, he still did what he did.  He still is who he is.  He still repaid my unconditional love, with which I only tried to help him, with betrayal, again, denial, again.  He hasn’t got a gracious bone in his body.  People are to use.  I’m sure he has some ulterior motive with her, but I have no interest in what it is.  There is some unbelievably dysfunctional stuff going on there, in which I have no interest.

I would say I don’t know what I was thinking, where my head was at.  But I know.  I had some weak moments. I was thinking of him, the man he was, before B was back in his life.  Before she showed up and turned him into a weasel, I don’t think he ever lied to me.  She came back and he morphed, shape shifted into someone I don’t know, and don’t want to know. I have grieved the old guy.  This man?  I don’t even know him. And really, don’t want to.  For those 3 weeks in January, he was the guy I loved again.  And then…she turned up again, and again, he morphed into this wormy guy who couldn’t stand on his own two feet.  Where, I believe, he remains.  I’m not mad, I forgive it all.  I get that he just doesn’t know better, and she’s not going to teach him, she is not much different, but very controlling.  I just don’t want it, so it’s a good thing it’s not being offered.

So don’t worry about me.  I’m back, and I’m strong.  I’m setting the intention still, again, now, that one day my life will include someone who will love me the way I can love, and will want the sweet love I can offer him.

I got a text from Addie today, and that was nice.  He sent a picture of a pueblo cliff dwelling, he had been hiking over the weekend. He didn’t mention his gf, whether or not she was with him.  I didn’t ask.  In the picture there were ladders going straight up  a cliff, and he apparently had to climb 3 of them to get to where he took the picture.  I am happy that he sent me the text, I am happy to keep in touch with him.  He always leaves a warm feeling, he loves the same way I do, unconditionally.  And like me asks nothing for it.  I can’t imagine doing to him or him doing to me what was done to me by a man I adored.  Oh well, it’s all about the level of consciousness.  S is not interested in raising his.  He’s interested in keeping his oversized ego fed.  Easy to see the dichotomy and really, I think I needed to see that, it helped to give me my clarity back.

So gaining clarity on the house.  Clarity on S.  Clarity on myself.  My vision must be about 20/20 right now.