First I have to say, survivednarc’s blog today really hit home with me, in a timely fashion. Like, it was the universe watching out for me, that she wrote it.
Now I’ll back track a bit.
When I went to the psychic/medium a week ago, she said that Mother Mary was with me because I needed to nurture myself, because I was grieving. And that I wear a good mask, but that I’m grieving and that just takes whatever time it takes. She said, “Don’t listen to the people who say you have grieved long enough. There’s no time table.”
Since I was hoping that night to contact my mother, which happened, I assumed it was about her, and was kind of a mis-reading. But the only person I could imagine that I was wearing a mask for, in regards to grieving was the narcissist in my life, the one I have such a hard time letting go of. I denied it, only to myself, because no one else even knew there was a chance it was him. My friends assumed it was my mother,
Since then, I have had him on my mind a lot. Not necessarily in grief, but just on my mind. Sometimes, yes, grieving for him as if he was dead. Sometimes just missing him. Sometimes wondering why I care so much. Often knowing that it’s the connection we have that puts him front and center for no reason. I have felt his energy since our first messages. When we met I knew that I already knew him. And already loved him. I have always seen his pure soul, not the ragged, messed up man he is.
I’m sure that the grief that she spoke of, for which she said I wore a “good mask” was about him. Because I grieve my mother, but theres’s no mask. I miss her a LOT, and everyone knows it. I have no problem saying for the rest of my life I will grieve her, but I’ll never put a mask on about it. I had a mother to cherish, and why would I hide the fact that I grieve her loss?
S, on the other hand, treated me so badly, hurt me in so many many ways, was always concerned with himself first, is so capable of sincerely telling anyone a lie to their face, was inexplicably cruel to me, yet I have missed him at times enough to make me cry. I have loved him enough to make me cry, to make me ache, to make it hard to breathe.
I have, in the past, broken no contact so many times. This time I did it once, to no response. I have, except for that one time, stayed NC, no matter if I was crying for him, because I know it would go no where.
Survivednarc reminded me that there is no good end to contact with him. I was missing him on the way home tonight. Her blog is the first one I read and it reminded me what would happen if I messaged him and by chance, for some reason, he responded. For every time he made me laugh there was a time he tore my heart in two. For every time he pulled me to him with hunger and passion, there was a time he pushed me face down into the dirt and left me there to tend my own wounds. Why does our memory so often only remember the laughs, the pulling in and not the pain? I suppose that’s because the pain, is the pain. It’s self-protective not to remember it too intensely, except in short bursts. But the joy, the laughter, the passion….it felt good. Of course we want to remember and relive those moments.
Just, the grief. Yes, we do grieve them. Why? Who the hell knows? Because they were front and center in our heads and hearts for a long time, intensely. I can say I have never loved like that before. Of course I miss that. Of course I grieve for a part of my life that is gone. And, like the medium told me, grief has it’s own schedule. Some days it’s harder than other days. Some days are easy, some days, I don’t miss him at all. Some days I’m grateful he’s with her, and not playing push pull with me. Some days I’m just pragmatic, knowing that what he could offer, if he chose, is not what will bring me joy, and that the joy I remember was in loving him, but not in being loved.
So, let us grieve, and learn to move on. I will still wear the mask, when I need to. But I’ll still grieve, until I’m done. That’s just the way it is.
Love and light, all.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
Hello again, friend! I am glad that my blog was of some help to you. 🙂
Yes, the grief is there and we simply have to let it be there and “do its thing”.. 🙂 It really helps to read what you write here, it helps to know we are not alone in this, that others do understand us! Yay. Hehe.
I am sorry for your grief, but as we both know, it will fade away when it is done. And it helps so much with the reminder that you write in your post: some days are worse and some days a lot easier. We just have to feel blessed for having the easier days and appreciating those. What is truly helpful also, is to remember that while they are “broken”, probably forever, we are not.. we can heal and love, real love. They can’t… how sad is that? (For them)..
Hugs and strength, my friend!
It was SSOO helpful. I remembered those circular conversations (my ex was an expert at those, better than S), remembered how he’d turn on a dime, and the only time he really felt good about himself was if someone was crying over him. Also remembered that if we made contact, that I’d be the one crying. Also, writing about it absolutely releases it to the universe, and this morning I wake up with one of those easy days, where I don’t miss him. Or really care that much. So thanks again my friend. love you!!!
I am so glad you felt better waking up! Amazing sometimes, how we can feel better again if we just wait a little while… 🙂 Love you right back! Hugs. : )
Yeah, today it’s like, Why? But not a question I’m gonna try to answer again, lol. There isn’t one, except maybe I loved being in love. 😛
Sometimes we need to dissect… sometimes we need to rest from the questions… I get you! 🙂 Love being in love, perhaps, yes… I believe there are also some more complex answers in there, which you have touched upon,many times in your blogs. But, yes, sometimes it is just good to rest from all of it. Grief and understanding this sort of situation is hard work, takes a toll! Hugs!
I believe it was Maya Angelou who said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I’m paraphrasing, but I believe I’m pretty close with the quote. It’s easy to be susceptible to things we miss most about those who hurt us because that’s where we as human beings draw happiness. It’s harder to tap into, realize the things about that person who hurt us because in a sense, we will subconsciously believe something was wrong with us for selecting/choosing/accepting that person to love. I think when one is at peace with all that took place, good & bad, one will truly be able to move on.
I love that quote. I think she added “the first time” lol. He was good at hiding his narcissism for the first 6 or 8 months, almost the first year, until I knew a different man. Long enough for me to be crazy in love with him. I just didn’t want to believe that he was doing to me what he was doing, just wanted the old guy back. I guess he’s gone now, only this misfit narcissist shows his face. Once I accept that this is who he is, now, regardless of the man I knew, I also known it’s his issue, that it’s not mine. I did nothing but love him, nothing to deserve what I got. It’s just who he is.
I just said to survived that writing about it releases it to the universe, and this morning I wake up happy, not missing him, or really caring that much. It’s always so helpful to just accept and be what we are. Moving on comes one day at a time, today, I’m doing that well I think!!! hugs to you!!!
*hugs back at you* And, understood.
“Why does our memory only remember the laughs?” I find that so interesting. I have to literally scrape the bottom of the barrel to remember a time when Loser made me laugh. ALL I remember is the bad shit (which he never failed to remind me of.) One of two things….either there was so little good it has been completely smothered by the bad…or I’m one of those narcissists….oh, shit.
Well the 2nd is definitely not true. You know, I have to do that with my ex husband, scrape the bottom of the barrel. And then I usually just find times that were peaceful, not where he made me laugh. It was different. I don’t miss him at all. Maybe because it deteriorated so badly before I could leave him. Sleeping in separate bedrooms for 5 years.
When S and I wee together, we never had a problem. We laughed and talked and fell into bed easily, we couldn’t keep our hands off one another. All consuming. It was so pleasurable at times, and equally as painful at times. So of course I want to remember the good times, not the bad. But I’m getting distance on all of it now. There’s no way around it, I have to walk through the muck to get to the other side. Co
Maybe that’s the difference. I’ve said before that I was afraid I hated Loser for years and was just too stupid to realize it…or I honored the vows we took.
He told me he only remembered the good (since he couldn’t remember anything five minutes ago) there probably wasn’t much for him to remember either. LOL
How’s it going on your house up there…and any word on the progress on the house if Florida?
I know you’re so excited you could burst. 🙂
No news on the house. Getting a mold test today and if it comes back clear then we will go ahead. But won’t know til next week.
I also wanted to honor my vows, for years I dealt with his abuse. But when I finally left, I was out of love, compassion, and honestly felt he broke the vows. Abuse is breaking the vows. I couldn’t wait to be free. Not so with S. Lots of pain and heartache with that one. But I’ll get through it. Rising strong. 😊
Yes. Rising strong. I hope to get there someday. 🙂
You are! I can see it, a little bit at a time!!!
Baby steps! LOL
I guess because you don’t write often about the grief you feel for her, I was amazed at how well you are handling the loss. Only cause I was so utterly lost for so long lol.
Losing her n P were the most painful, traumatic times of my life. But at least she didn’t choose to leave me. I agree completely that grief has its own time table. It takes as long as it takes. It sucks but that’s just the way it is. I have gone past only remembering all the good times with him. I hope to get there some day. But I think it helps me to remember all the pain n misery he caused so that I continue to stay away n be happy. I know he hurt himself just as much and he saved me from being a part of his dysfunctional n delusional life. He was very self-absorbed, draining, moody n needy. I see that clearly now but it took a year.
You’re doing great. Just take it day by day, stay NC and be good to yourself. Hugs!
I grieve for her, but it’s a different kind of grief. I just miss her being here, on this earth, but I also feel her presence with me all the time. There was no trauma with her death, she went to sleep at 94 years old and didn’t wake up.
Him, I just miss him, I grieve for what he brought to my life for a time. There was so much trauma and heartache around the way it ended. A lot more to work through. But yeah, I’m doing ok, I’m getting there. Thanks for your thoughts and care. xo
Yes it is a different kind of grief. We know we were loved n cherished, not abandoned by choice. My Mom was 63 n battled cancer for almost 2 years. But she died in her own home, in her own room with me and my Dad there. We were watching tv n he was holding her hand. It was very peaceful and strangely beautiful. In death she was smiling n happy like she had gone to an amazing place.
As for the other grief, it’s more complicated and yeah it will take some time. It taught me a lot though n for that I’m grateful. Hugs n healing xo!
Yes, got my mom likewise. She suffered so much she was beautiful and full of grace in her death. I know my dad was there to take her hand and lead her across, and reassure her we would all be ok. So my grief is just the loss of her from my human life, but I know she’s still with me snd loves me. A completely different kind of loss. I’m sorry about your mom. I’m glad you were with her. Xo
Thanks, I do miss my best friend. It was 7 years ago and time helps the healing. But like you, she’s always with me. Losing both your parents in 2 years like my H has? That I cannot fathom. Did u get the kielbasa? Lol
Yes, got it. Pierogies tomorrow. My ex was Polish, so my son is half. I like to keep some of those traditions for him. Cleaning out my. Basement storage now. Lol.
My Mom’s best friend who we spent holidays with is polish. My brother’s kids love pierogies, especially the 4 year-old lol.