I spoke to my son last night, about his father.  I gave him a synopsis of the conversation I had with him.  Son just shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes.  He knows who his dad is, and even though we both always hope he’s different, we are never surprised that he stays in the same dark, unhappy place.

People used to tell me not to talk to him about his father.  I have always balked at that advice.  Especially when son lived with him.  I could only protect him by informing him.  To not say that “your father is an alcoholic” would be to deny what is true, and evident.  And now…I don’t want to set my son up to think his father is going to be different than who he is.

I told him…my feelings on his talking to his father have not changed.  That I would still like them to talk before he moves.  But I did empower him, to feel free to stop the conversation if he felt the need.  If he couldn’t take the stories his father fabricates to absolve himself of all the responsibility, if his father refuses to acknowledge the truth.

How he can possibly come to the conclusion that it was his and my relationship issues that keep my son from talking to him, when he was so abusive to my son.  I’ll never forget the night I saw huge purple bruises up and down my son’s left side, and later found out they were put there by his father.

Maybe I should just confront his father with that.  Maybe I should just make him understand that I know, that son knows, that those are the things he has to reconcile.  He will rage, and I guess that’s why I don’t.  His rages are irrational, loud, ugly, and violent. Even though, I don’t think he could do anything about it now, I think his rage would not affect me, I really don’t think he’s in any position take his rage out on me.  I wait for him to get struck by lightning and see the light. Not expecting it to happen anytime soon.

Considering putting a note in the bag with the cassettes, speaking the truth.  Easier than talking to him.  Allows me to avoid his temper.

I will accept it if my son just chooses not to put himself through a conversation with his father, and honestly, I think that’s probably what’s going to happen.  I don’t think he can stand to listen to his father weave his bullshit, to have one of the circular conversations that his father excels at, designed to confuse and wear you down, and go nowhere.  Chaos, it only creates chaos.

It’s why I cut him off yesterday, “ok, believe whatever you want.  I gotta go.”  That’s all.  Before he has me screaming at him, which is what used to happen, as I tried to make sense of his irrational thought process.  Now, I just accept that he is who he is, and leave him be.  Wish him love and light, and go on with my life.

As with everyone who reads this, love and light.