He tells me if I want him to stop reading my blog to stop writing about him. I told you all he was still reading them. He hasn’t seen me for 3 months, and he’s still stuck on reading every word I say. Her too, I imagine.
Not quite sure how I do that, stop writing about him, when it’s still so fresh. I mean, he was in my bed a few months ago…telling me what a bitch she was, how everything had to be her way, how he had no friends because of her, how she put everyone else first, how she was a runner at the first sign of trouble. He wasted no time getting to me when she took off. We were talking in 24 hours. He was in my bed in a week. Is that something you do when you love the person who left, just jump into the bed of the woman you were screwing around with that caused her to run?
Not most men. Most men would lay low….if they loved her. They’d try to prove that they loved her. They’d try to prove they could be faithful. He ran, to my bed. I wanted him there, I never stopped loving him.
I think I have now, stopped. I mean, I think I see him clearly and how he drags my life down to the basest level. Even if I still love him on some level, (because I don’t believe love ever dies, it just changes) the last person I want in my life is him. He lies, he cheats, he makes up stories to pacify assholes. He’s taken by surface beauty and can’t see below it, he can’t fathom someone’s soul. He can’t stand on his own two feet. He can’t stand in his story. He changes his story every time the wind blows. No thanks, not for me. But then, in January, I hadn’t stopped loving him….and as long as I knew he wasn’t with her, which I did, then it was ok with me. It did a lot to help me heal from his cruelty of last fall. To know we still had that connection. And we did, we talked mostly, for hours. We fell into our old routine of texting all day, and talking at night, even more than before. He begged me, literally, to be there, to talk to him, because I was the only person that knew the whole story and could talk to him about it. I was there for him, because I loved him.
And he turned on me, like a rabid dog. As if I’d done something wrong.
I told him tonight that when he was with me he wasn’t a liar and a scumbag, that is what he’s become since she came back into his life. She inspires him to be his worst self. Lying and cheating and deceiving. A man with no backbone, she caters to his lowest self, and when he gets there puts a leash on him.
And he’s fucked up enough to like it.
I can’t even fathom. I would never ever want that man. I’d make jokes about him, and laugh at him, being led around by some frigid bitch. Christ.
Anyway, he had no business even telling her about my stories I wrote for him. They discussed them, he said. She never read them. Well…she told me she did. So one or both of them are liars, but then we already know that.
But they discussed them??? What? Did she have questions? Did she get titillated by them? Cripes, would YOU want to discuss erotica written for the “man you love” by another woman who loved him and was able to have great sex with him? Knowing that the stories were about the two of them? The woman he was screwing while you thought you were the only one he was screwing. (And screwing is what he did, screwed everyone.) Sound like a discussion you want to have?
Pretty sure I heard an unanimous NO……
I gotta let the sick people go. I can’t get caught up in this again. It’s obvious I still have a few flashpoints, and I’ll learn to deal with them.
From the beach in Florida, where in January, Scott said he would love to come visit me. Till Betty got jealous. Whatever, the invitation is off. Let him stay up here and freeze his ass off. Let him be miserable with the miserable bitch, wondering why she can’t drum up the passion for him that I could. Maybe he doesn’t think he deserves it.
He did…..Maybe that’s what scared him. Maybe it was like Marianne Williamson says, “Our greatest fear is not that we’re inadequate but that we’re powerful beyond all measure.” I tried to convince him he was not inadequate. She convinces him he is. I can tell by the way he has to lie to pacify her moods and jealousy.
Whatever. Maybe it was too much for him to be loved like that. Maybe no one had ever loved him like that before. Nor will again. It’s the only way I know, in a relationship. Put yourself out there, give him every bit of you. Open, open your heart as wide as you can. And when you get knocked down because you find out you chose to love an asshole, learn how to rise strong.
Well, I know there’s someone out there, who it won’t be too much for. They’ll be forgotten with the first sunrise over the Gulf.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
He clearly doesn’t deserve you. Thank you for being so authentic and sharing this with us.
Thank you. And I don’t deserve him, in all his darkness. Thank you for reading. Going for the light now. Xx
It takes a lot of effort to cut someone you love out of your life, even when you know they’re no good for you. Good for you for letting him go.
I’m sorry but Love can indeed die..it’s like a flower and if it’s never watered, sustained, nurtured it will ilmost certainly die. This situation u refer to is toxic for all concerned-and u r trying to make sense of complete nonsense. people completely ruled by visceral energies r like an engine powering a boat but with no rudders–so u just travel in endless circles. Trying to understand or rationalize it overlook is just wasting your energy and precious spirit. U will never change them or their habits or behaviors. This is the tone to cut this dingy loose cuz u aren’t getting anywhere and they will drag u further down into their seething abyss..please let go…u carry a burden that isn’t your own.
*This is the “time” to cut the dingy loose* I meant..
Yes I know that it seems that I’m trying to rationalize an irrational situation. I think actually though what I’m trying to do with this blog is make it uncomfortable for this jerk to keep reading my blogs.
Maybe if it makes him mad every time he reads it. He’ll stop. And everything I said was true I don’t think he’s gonna like looking at himself in the mirror that well. I wish he would get a life and just forget about me and this blog. I’m afraid it’s too big of a narcissist to do that though. He loves to see his name in print. Whatever I’m going to write me feel and come up contact with him so he can go cry to Betty about it.
* I’m going to write about my feelings and cut off contact with him so he can go cry to Betty about it.
Hold onto the thought of Florida – sanity & sunrises!
In the meantime, don’t forget that for a narcissist any fuel is good fuel, so even if you’re giving him negative attention, it’s still an ego boost…
Keep moving on, breaking free, and rising above. The true love will never die, but you don’t need all the murky BS surrounding it (pun intended 🙂 ).
Much love, you’ve got this! ❤ x
Yes, I think I do….And yes, I still see his soul, trying to find a way to reconnect to the world. But I can’t get involved in the journey. He obviously has some lessons to learn with her, over and over….and I have some to learn that don’t involve him, lol. He’s taught me enough! I’ll be winding it down. Love you back, so glad to have your support., xo
I agree with Megan, you got this! You have the ability to keep rising. And you deserve a genuine true love. Someone who loves as you do, with honesty and good intentions. Hugs!!
Thanks S. It’s surely not him! But I do not intend to allow the fact that he reads the blog to intimidate me about what I write. Nope. I may need to work stuff out from time to time and I’ll do that, without any deference to the fact that he’ll see it.
Good! great strength there. I love that. 🙂
That is really creepy n shows just how sick they both are. I knew she would take that scumbag back. They are toxic n feed off one another. Does he have kids? I would be so friggin ashamed if my Dad was anything like that loser. You are fortunate to be rid of such an old pathetic fool n she’s a doormat who never learns. Geez it’s just very sad to see senior citizens acting like children! Hopefully they can climb back under their rock n just grow up. Hugs to u!
You know I really believe it’s more that she’s a control freak. And she doesn’t want him to ever have had anyone but her or anything good with anyone but her. If you dead she has to do mean it and make it meaningless and he has to go along with it if he wants her. That’s why she had to tell me that she’d read them so I she had to tell me that you didn’t love me. She had to make sure it was clear to me that she was the chosen one not me. I’m really starting to see it clearly she’s just a bitch. Like a high school bitch. Not even a 60-year-old bitch a 17-year-old bitch. He made her jealous cause that’s what holds her there. He’s got an addiction to her he thinks that’s love because he so screwed up. I feel for them both really attitude totally completely dysfunctional people and they bring out the worst in each other. I’m pretty much over it, just feeling bad for him because he can’t find his way out. Her, I don’t really give a shit. Going to have to find her own way not many men are going to allow themselves to be controlled like that. Florida’s calling my life will start over down there. 😄
Yes they both act very juvenile, not in their 60s lol.
* if he does then she has to demean it, and make it meaningless. Also, * she had to tell me that she had read them and to tell me that he didn’t love me so I know that there was nothing special between us left.