I went to the musical The Adams Family tonight. A local production company that is really really great….It was fun, went with a couple of girlfriends.

In the middle of the play, I began to feel a little guilty about the email I sent to Scott last night, when he told me to stop writing about him if I wanted him to stop reading the blog. The email was, to put it mildly, beyond the pale of vitriolic. I didn’t know I had that much anger at him still in me. I was raging, because once again, instead of owning his story and what he did and MAYBE apologizing for breaking the promise that no one would ever see the things I’d written for his eyes only, written them when I was crazy in love with him. It would have been nice if he could have felt ONE BIT of empathy for my position. It would have been nice if he actually wanted to keep them to himself, as a remembrance, a good remembrance of who he and I once were. It would have been nice if they were special still to him, if he appreciated the effort and care that I put into them for him, and not defaced and demeaned them by showing them to anyone else, especially her.

The reasoning behind showing her fails me. Just fails me. Why he would want her to know, unless he were trying to get her to write some, and wanted to inspire her through jealousy again. The reason she told me, was, I believe, like Emma said, she wanted to hurt me. She wanted to make sure that I knew nothing that was special between he and I remained.

I said enough bad stuff about her in the email, and she’s insignificant to me now. So I won’t go there again. The point of this is…I was feeling guilty about lacing into him, because it’s not really where I want to go or who I want to be.

Then I look at what he did to me, over 6 or 8 months. The lies and the deceptions, the cruelty and the heartbreak. The numbness of his heart. And then used me once more to bring her back to him, playing on her ridiculous jealousy. In her position, I would have never talked to him again.

This latest thing, the breaking of trust again, the showing of my work to someone else, when it was meant solely for he and I, was just the straw that broke the camels back.

I think, really, what I was trying to do with this scathing, vitriolic email, with the white-hot anger pouring out of my mouth, anger because he was now going to tell me what to write, when he was the sole cause of all the pain I have had for a year, was trying to get him to not want to know what I write. To want to never read another word from me, here or in an email. I was trying to get him to leave me completely and finally alone. I was trying to use a flame thrower to keep him out of my life.

Because I just can’t do it anymore. I just can’t stand having him pop up once a month to remind me how MUCH I loved him, and how MUCH he hurt me. That he dumped me for HER. That he used me again, for his own ends. That I was THAT stupid, because I loved him THAT much. I just don’t want to see his blocked messages, or an email, or anything from him. I don’t want him reading this, and if I could block him I would. I want him to go live out his life, with her or without her, but without me, because he only brings negativity to my life, and I have had enough of it.

Do I love him? It doesn’t matter if I do or don’t. The man I loved disappeared when she showed up. He morphed into an asshole, and now I wish he’d just leave me alone. It’s none of his business, really, if I still love his soul. If I still love the child who steers the riverboat, and has a fascination for the deep. An addiction to walking the edge. An addiction to all things not good for him. But honestly, he had read all my blogs up to this point. If he doesn’t know the answer it’s because he’s chosen to deny it.

And then there is this damned connection. I feel him now, right now, as I type this….I am trying my best to ignore the constant vibe that buzzes through my heart and solar plexus chakras, sometimes into my sacral. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know anything about him. He successfully turned me into a person I don’t particularly like with this latest bullshit.

I’m tired, and I’m aggravated that this is still on my mind.

I have my dreams manifesting, I have the fireplace to clean out tomorrow, and the house to powerwash, and I have his damn energy humming all through me. I’ll put on my music, put in my earbuds, and get to work, and drown out the hum.

It’s all I can do. I’m just praying that my email, and my “Fuck Off” blog got rid of him, for a time anyway. Not sure if forever is a possibility. I’d like to think it is, that our roads have diverged, and he will go off on his own. But I thought that had happened already, and last night I found out he still reads every word. Still hanging onto that thread, that one thread that connects us.

Well, off to bed. It’s been a long day, as I struggled to put all the crazy damn chaotic emotions of the last 48 hours into some kind of order, and reclaim my equilibrium. And to work at the same time, and then go out tonight.

Better days tomorrow. Love and light.