My thoughts are all over the place tonight. The new guy didn’t call, so I’ll scratch him off the list. Not gonna deal with someone who can’t do what they say they will. I’m an Aries, I don’t sit well with just sitting. It was hard for me to learn to sit with my emotions, which I’ve gotten more practice than I ever wanted in the last year. I’m still willing to be vulnerable and put myself out there, but I’m not willing to sit there hanging from a limb, while someone watches for their own amusement.

I managed to consider what to have for dinner tonight, when I left this morning, so my son and I actually had a nice dinner. Take a chicken breast, pound it flat. Spread chive or garlic or whatever your favorite flavor of cream cheese is, in a thin layer. If you want, add some basil leaves, and slice up cherry or grape tomatoes and lay them out on the cream cheese. Roll it up, secure it with toothpicks if need be. Then wrap the roll in a slice or two of bacon. Bake it for 30 minutes or so, maybe 40 if they’re big. One of my son’s favorite dinners. It’s unusual for me to cook much during the week. I try to have left overs and easy stuff for during the week, because I get home so late.

I have my gong meditation tomorrow. It’s been two months for me, I missed them both last month. Boy did I miss them. Looking very forward to spending some time with myself, deep.

I’m excited to get the house on the market. Excited to get this move underway. So much I need to leave behind me. So much I have to look forward to ahead. The line gets clearer every day. Every minute. At work today, at about 4 pm, I just had the hardest time, I just wanted out of there. No reason, the day was fairly easy and uneventful. I am just so done, mentally, with the daily grind.

And I’m done, really, with trying to understand what happened to my life over the last year. How I could expend so much energy and love, care and concern on someone who surely didn’t deserve it, didn’t want it, just took it because it was there. Gave back nothing, absolutely nothing, but lies and deceit and heartbreak. Just tired of the conversations that run through my head, real or imagined. Every day I am stronger. Now, I am able to see at least WHO he is, with clarity. At least, I can make a distinction between the soul, the man I loved so well, and the man he actually is, now, in this lifetime. I gotta feel for him, still. I can’t imagine living the kind of life that so f’d up an Aquarian man, a 7, into someone so self-centered, so self-abusive, so sure that he is not worthy, so sure that he’s inadequate, so sure that the good things that are in all of us don’t apply to him. But I can’t fix it, not gonna try anymore. I tried to convince him otherwise, in the short time I had with him. He slid back to his comfort zone to people who will agree with him and serve him false pity on day old bread, (“Oh Sweetie, don’t worry about it. You can’t help it that you lie and deceive. You’ve had such a hard life.”) Unless he wants to climb out of it, on his own, unless he seeks and listens to someone who is willing to hold his hand through the fire, and find some joy before he leaves this earth, there he will stay. I can’t know what his soul’s journey is. I can’t believe that it is to be so unhappy though. I can’t believe anyone’s soul’s journey is to lie and deceive and see what they can get away with, despite the pain an misery it inflicts. On others, and on himself.

I’ve just had it, trying to wade through that dysfunctional mess. My nature is to find the answers, to understand on a personal and metaphysical level, what happened, why. But some things you just have to let go of, some things it’s just too hard to get an answer. It’s just too non-sensical. Suffice to say, it is over for reasons that may never be understood on a human level. I wish him well, but I am pretty sure he won’t be.

Not to mention, it will be nice to not have to drive by the lake on which I lived for 30 years, and see my old house in the distance, and know my ex is living in the teeny cottage next door, with absolutely no comprehension of what happened to him. I tried with him, but he’s so far gone. He won’t listen to me, just because it’s me saying it. No matter what I have to say. No matter how dire his situation.

Anyway, I’ll be glad, really glad, to be somewhere new, where the experiences, and the memories will all be new, where I won’t have to sweep the cobwebs out of my memory every day.

I am glad my son too, will be somewhere where he can create good memories. Where the ugliness of the past can be left behind. He’s a 3 like me. Trying to share, and spread the light. Always.

Guess that’s it for tonight. I’m falling asleep on the couch again. Love and light.