Cleaning my house today. They want it barren for the pictures so surfaces need to be cleared, and stuff put away that is always out. Bathroom countertops, dressers, night stands. Good thing they don’t take pictures inside of closets, lol. Had windows to wash, spots on the carpet to remove. Laundry to do. And that was just upstairs. Tomorrow I’ll do the downstairs, but I’ve been working on it a little at a time so it won’t be too hard.

I sat down on the couch to take a phone call, and after I hung up I fell sound asleep for about an hour, lol. My son came home from work shortly after, and we ordered a pizza for dinner. Way too tired to cook. I opened the pizza box when it was delivered, and thought, “Scott’s pizza” for a second. Only a second. It was his favorite pizza, we ordered it almost all the time when he was here. I haven’t ordered it in months. Probably a subconscious choice, not to remember.

Pizza triggers. Geezus. I suppose there are other ghosts buried deep in the recesses. Well, we deal with them as they come, I guess. Not much other choice. They are fewer and farther between.

I have the same thing with the text alert on my phone.  When I hear it, I automatically go to him, because for so long it always was.  That habit will probably break soon, I get a lot of texts that aren’t him lately.

Just, wouldn’t it be nice if you could just decide, ok, I don’t want to care about that person any more, so that instantly, you did not, and anything and everything associated with them instantly lost it’s meaning, it’s memory?

I guess I just want easy. It’s been hard for so long. My marriage ended incredibly hard. Scott…..the ending was way more painful, but relationship short. Praying for easy next time around. For once in my life, easy. I fall in love so easy. I fall out of it so hard. It’s hard for most of us to completely let go.  We can know it’s best for us, we can know it’s the direction we want to move in.  But nothing about it is easy when you really loved someone.

There are new starts, new beginnings ahead. It will all be good, I have a good feeling about this. Setting myself up for easy next time around. Maybe a next time will come, and I won’t have to fall out of love. Maybe it will last…..I dream about that. It could have been so good with either of those men, but it wasn’t my choice to let it go sour. I’d have loved either one of them for a lifetime, if they only could have been part of the equation.

Oh well. I still believe he’s out there somewhere, the man I can love and who can love me for the rest of his life. Today I moved a little closer to the dream. And tomorrow, closer still.

Love and light.