This morning I woke up disgusted with the realizations I had last night when I came across those emails to Scott, where all I tried to do was to help him to deal with the situation with Betty. I knew that part of the reason he’d been with me was to make her jealous, because she is such a jealous person. But I feel for her, because he played on that, only that. He did all he could to make her fight for him, and fight me. Goaded by him, she became a bitch to me. I see it now, so clearly. I mean, it’s on her for buying into it. But it’s on him for not speaking the truth to her, not making sure she understood there was nothing to be jealous of, because he and I were close, we cared for each other and I was there to help him, but to help him find a way back to her. To try to show him that being honest and truthful is not as scary as he thought.

At any rate, it’s so in the past for me. The two of them can sort it out, if they want. I have felt for some time they are not together, that her family is directing her, influencing her, to stay away from a man who can be so deceitful, who hurt her to her core over and over. Maybe I’m wrong. I also still feel his energy, and have felt he was not happy. They could be together, but if it’s based on the lies he tells, the twisting of the truth, on making her jealous, then he won’t be happy anyway, because that’s not sustainable. He’ll always be in fear that she sees the truth. I’m sure if they are together, she is always going to be looking over her shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t know, I don’t care.

I wish him well, still. I still know that he can’t find his way through the false lessons of his youth, and the events of his life that he created as a result of buying into them. I really did just want him to be happy, but a life that is lived with fear as the motivation for everything one does, will never lead to happiness. I hope that he will, at this late date in his life, finally take some time to be alone, which he never has been. To figure out what happened to his life, and stop casting the blame around to everyone else. At a certain point in our lives, we can only blame ourselves. And we can only change ourselves.

I actually wish her well too. She was so manipulated by him, and so was I for a long time. I know from what he told me (because he keeps no one’s secrets) that her life was not a bed of roses either, and that she has a lot of fear as well. I hope for her own good, she stays away from him, because he’s not capable of loving anyone. He doesn’t love himself, he has nothing to offer. He’s capable of instilling fear, promoting jealousy, playing on people’s fears.  He’s not capable of loving people, making them feel safe and secure in his care.  He can only take from other people and think he can then give away what he takes.  He will hurt her again, given the chance, it’s a given when you live from fear.  If he can hurt you, it perversely validates for him that you actually cared.

I know I am moving away soon. I know I have really seen him, and know that I want a man in my life who does not live his life from a place of fear.

Soon, I’ll be living in my cute little Florida home, bright yellow with orange shutters and green trim and a palm tree in the corner. My own palm tree! My house that is an 11. A mile from the ocean. A place with all good memories so far. Near my family, and close, life-long friends. A place of light and warmth. Where I can watch the sun rise and the sun set over the Gulf of Mexico every day if I want. Where I can sit on my deck every morning, and write, and meditate and sip my coffee. A place where I can take all the lessons of my life, and create a life that is full of joy.

Maybe I’ll find love, maybe I’ll just find a new tribe, a whole new group of people who come from a place of love at their center. I am ready to let it all in, and let this old stuff all go. I feel like I’ve been trying to convince myself to do this for so long, but this morning, a huge piece of the puzzle was put into place, it slid right in, and the picture became complete. I’m done with that puzzle, I can put it away. It’s boring now.

And you know, boring is the kiss of death with me. Lol.

Love and light, everyone. Love and light.