I’ve been so happy today. My house is now officially on the market. They aren’t coming for pictures until Wednesday. So, when I found that out, I finished vacuuming and put the vacuum cleaner away, and went outside, put in my earbuds, and listened to some meditation music in the zero-gravity chair on my deck, and soaked up some sun, and warmth.

It was a beautiful spring day today. I had all the windows open. It was such renewal. Not a cloud in the sky. I talked to my sister, about the closing on my house on Tuesday, on things she thinks might need doing there. Then we talked about the memorial service we three sisters are going to have for Mom in June, and bury her ashes next to dad. We talked about probate, her knee surgery. I still can’t believe that she and her hubby are doing this for me, I am so totally blessed.

Later this afternoon, I called my BFF from Iowa, high, just to chat. So much fun, we have been bff’s since we were 12. Looking so forward to when she comes to visit, and the other three of us are there.

I was thinking today so much about what a long strange trip this has been the last 9 years. I was such a shell of myself when I left my marriage. I found myself, my path, in the course of the divorce from hell. Then I fell crazy in love, more than I ever was with anyone, and I loved it. OMG, how I loved loving that man. And then he broke me, almost. Not quite bad enough, I managed to put myself back together, better than ever. Like a broken bone, which is stronger in the place it heals, I am also stronger in the places that were broken. I’m not quite done yet, but I’ve come a long way.

I was going through old emails tonight, thinking I could clean some stuff out. I found a bunch of emails I sent to Scott in January, talking about his situation. I was so supportive, so non-jealous, so loving, but so not attaching to him, or manipulating him. And he tells her he was with me for sex. He let her see the erotica I wrote for him, but I bet he didn’t show her the emails I came across tonight, where I was trying to keep him floating, talking to him about her, telling her how I thought she’d eventually talk to him, and who knows what could happen. I was such a good friend to him, and I was so scared shitless that he’d do what he did, betray, deny me again. I was prepared, I knew he could do it and he did….I didn’t lay down and die this time. I knew I was moving, I knew he was a mess.

Just….I was so there for him, I don’t know how he could repay that by betraying me again. I don’t care that he wanted to be with her, I knew that would happen. Just, why he had to make it so ugly, why he couldn’t speak the truth. I forgot all about these emails, that don’t mention anything except trying to help him deal with it. Well, lesson learned. Next time he can call someone else.

Glad I’ll be moving soon. Leaving this all in the past. Part of my life that was extraordinary, from one end of the spectrum to the other. I hope Florida is much more even-keeled. I’m too old for any more emotions off the spectroscope.

But all in all, it was a lovely day. My house looks wonderful, everything is in order. My plans are moving ahead, the old stuff is being left behind. The love, the love always stays.

Love and light.