The reading of old blog continued today. It surprises me that I often only wrote when things were tough. When they were good between us, when I saw him, I kept it to myself. Reading the old stuff makes it sound as if I never saw him anyway, like there was nothing going on between us except arguing over stuff, or not speaking. I didn’t write at all about the nights he came to see me, or afternoons, never of the stuff we did together. I kind of felt it was sacred, just our stuff, I didn’t want to share it with the world. But it gives a one sided view, I think, of our relationship. Not that it matters now, just something I find interesting. I could share the pain, but did not want to share the pleasure.
I had wanted to paint my deck this weekend, but it’s looked like rain all afternoon and is supposed to rain, so instead I took a nap, I made some chicken salad. I went to the grocery store. And now I’m watching the Preakness to see if Nyquist wins the 2nd leg of the triple crown. Nope, didn’t win. No triple crown this year.
My son is off today, and mowed my lawn this morning. Then he has been bouncing in and out, with friends, going out. I will miss his energy when I go to Florida. I hope I make some energetic friends, who can add that back into my life. Maybe not quite so chaotic, lol. But I’m home alone a lot when he’s here, like tonight, so it won’t be all that much different when he’s not living with me.
Just thinking out loud tonight. Odds and ends, is all.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
It would be just as unbalanced if we only wrote about the good stuff, wouldn’t it? it probably has something to do with how we want to be seen. Or maybe that’s just when we’re most motivated to write. Has observing that made you think about how you approach blogging now?
I honestly don’t know. I think that was a unique situation, and I don’t know that I could have done it any differently. There was so much pain, and the good times became so infrequent, that I just wanted to hold them close to my heart for awhile. There has always been too, the dynamic caused by the knowledge that he reads my blog. The woman he left me for has also read them, though I don’t know if she does now, and she wasn’t last summer (because she didn’t even know about me then, or until January of this year.) I don’t think they are still together, but I could be wrong. I think she realized she was in no better shape than me. He denied us both to the other.
What it’s done though, is make me sure I will never give the link to my blog to anyone who I’m involved with. Still, to this day, though it’s been over for months, as far as I know he reads it. I have let that fact censor what I say, kind of, at times. I did not want to be a factor in their relationship. So, I was careful what I said.
The support I got here really helped me through the nightmare of it. And I’m not sure, if the relationship had gotten better, not worse, that I wouldn’t have joyfully reported it here. LOL.
I wouldn’t write only good stuff, I don’t want to write only the bad. But last summer, which is when all these blogs I was discussing were written, was a particularly painful episode of my life. I loved this man more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and the betrayal by him was so broad and deep and cruel….When I re-read it, I see how much pain I was in, and he read it all, and knew it, and kept on doing what he was doing….
So, no, my approach to blogging won’t change, but to men, to falling in love, and trusting a man who hasn’t proven he’s worthy of being trusted, that has changed. Irrevocably.
I know that feeling, and for almost 30 years, I’ve lived more happily on my own than I ever was in any relationship. Life is good.
I still miss the good parts of him. I also like living alone, I’ve never had a problem with living alone. I was married for a long time, and it took me a long time to undo it and get out, but I did. I’ve lived alone for 9 years now, well, with my son, but no man. The first man I fell for was this one…. It will be awhile before I try again. I’m retiring and moving to FL in the next few months, and i keep believing the right man is waiting for me to get there. 🙂
I wish you all the best! And NO MORE HEARTBREAK! ❤
I love reading your blog. I don’t reply too often , but it has really helped me. Your last sentence really resonated with me. I’m trying to date, but I don’t know that I could ever trust again. I have dated a few men , but each time they leave because of my insecurity and neediness. I’m so afraid of feeling that pain again. I was so secure in my relationship and then found out everything was a lie. I don’t see how I could ever feel secure again with any man.
You need to watch Brene Brown’s talk on “The Anatomy of Trust”. You can just Google it and it won’t be the first hit you get. She teaches us how to trust is earned. Watching it I realize I trusted him for all the wrong reasons. Armed with the knowledge that she gives us I’m sure I will be able to extend trust someone again someday but they will have to earn it the right way. I hope that happens for you as well.