For 3 days now, my stats have been about double normal stats, because someone is reading my old blogs, from last summer, when my relationship with S was beginning to unravel. I’m talking about maybe 100 old blogs. All on this one subject. Mostly, on my pain. Now…I have no way of knowing who is reading them. I have my ideas but I could be totally wrong.
A lot of them I didn’t remember until I read them. A lot of those I skimmed. The poems I read. Some of the blogs I read, and my jaw dropped in wonder, amazement, bewilderment, at how oblivious I was. Of course, hindsight is always perfect. But I plowed through them.
I think I needed to see for myself, again. And this time my reaction was “Why in the world did you love this asshole so much? And why did you have such a hard time when it ended?” I am so far from that place now. Now I look at the whole thing, knowing the whole story, and can’t stand him. He was just a scumbag. No other word for it. I keep trying to find some redeeming quality, but it was all a lie. Everything about him that I admired, was a lie, it was a front he put on for me. OMG, the lies piled on top of lies. And not only to me, but to her. More to me. She was just oblivious, she had no idea she had anything to worry about. He didn’t have to outright lie to her. He just had to withhold information from her. He fooled her better than me. He made her believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was the only one, she was secure in that knowledge. Except he was coming to see me on a regular basis. Talking to me, texting with me, sexting with me all day…every day. Our relationship was intense, and involved. He was a huge part of my life even when I didn’t see him. I doubt seriously that more than a couple hours ever passed without some form of communication, except while we slept. And even then…I often would awaken in the night to texts asking if I was up. Which is why he was able to keep me believing.
But even so…I kept asking him to let me go. I didn’t want to see him on such a limited basis. Told him if that was what he wanted he should go see the prison whore, he has her number. But he wouldn’t let me go. When it all came apart, in November, he held off for a couple months, while he wove a web for her. Telling her lies about me. Making her believe I was some crazy woman with a good imagination. But as soon as the web began to choke her and she fought her way out, he ran to me again. And did it to me again. Lies lies and more lies. Ugly. Low life. Despicable. And that time, she wanted to believe him again. He used her jealous nature, and me, and sucked her in. He’s like a fucking magician, his ability to make us both believe nothing but lies. I think she’s free now. I hope she is. She deserves better that to be blindsided by this sick fuck.
God, It is really unbelievable.
It’s no wonder he’s scared of my son, and of her brothers. He knows he deserves to get punched in the face and beat for what he did. My son would never do that to a 68 year old man. Her brothers might from what he told me.
Whoever is reading the old blogs did me a real favor, because I plowed through them too, and if I was gonna get triggered so be it. That too would tell me something. But I wasn’t. The more I read, the more disgusted I became. And not with myself. I was in love, I was honest, I was truthful, I was loving, I was there for him, every fucking day. I felt sorry for the woman I was last summer. Naive, and stupid, but crazy in love and not deserving of any of it. Right now, the idea of seeing him, or talking to him, doesn’t upset me, it doesn’t hurt me, it makes me cringe. Creepy crawlies. He belongs in a prison for committing heinous emotional crimes to someone who loved him purely, unconditionally, guilelessly.
Well…I don’t now. One day I may get back to the unconditional love I aspire to, that I’ve always claimed. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive him again. Maybe I’ll be able to pray for him again one of these days. But right now, he is the kind of person I would run from if I met him. I would cross the street and walk a mile out of my way to avoid his ugly aura coming near me.
I may have a problem with the way I feel, because I have always had this energetic connection with him. But right now, I can feel it and say, in complete honesty, “Fuck that. Who cares.”
I don’t care how hard his fucking life was. He chose to be this way. He chose the dark side. He chose to hurt people who loved him without limit, he chose to play people with lies and deceptions and I bet he fucking had fun while he did it. I bet he went to bed, and lay there laughing at what he was getting away with. It will be another of his outrageous stories he can tell to the next woman. Kind of like the one where he told me when he was young and doing landscaping and he did a mother and daughter together. Now he can tell the next unlucky sucker how he did one of us on Wednesday and one on Saturday and we were clueless.
Fuck him, really.
Seeing really clearly today. Not creeped out at all by someone reading the old blogs. I hope it was Betty who read them, to get a good picture of what he did to her for 6 months. She can think that she was the one he really loved if she wants to…but you tell me. Who did he really love?
Scott. And ONLY Scott. Everyone else just worked for him, filling holes. Well, I quit that job. I hope she did too.
Love and light all..
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
I don’t really know how to see in wordpreas stats when someone reads old blogs but I guess it is somewhere in the stats. Or perhaps you have more sofisticated stuff that measures things, than wordpress stats. 🙂
Anyway I think I would be a bit paranoid if someone started reading my old blogs about narc (if they didn’t “like” or comment them, but just read them). It would be strange indeed.
Glad you are seeing everything from that time so clearly. I believe that is quite healthy sometimes to be able to look at the past and see it for what it was in reality. I effed up a little bit recently but I am back in reality more than I have ever been. 😊 Sounds like both you and me are in reality and truth big time.
Hugs my friend! 💜
Click on your stats, then click on “day” at the top of the page. the first section under the graph showing each day shows the posts which have been read that day, and how many times that post was read. I had over 30 old posts today. Lots of good info in the stats, like how people are finding you, your total # of followers.
I’m so disgusted when I read the old blogs. I’m not triggered, just disgusted that I fell into that so hard. Disgusted with him, not me. I can safely say that there is zero chance of me falling into it again. Ever. And it’s a good feeling too.
Ah I had only seen the thing where it said which posts were read most in a week.. and which posts were published on a certain day. But I will probably go look again to see the thing you said. It is interesting sometimes.
Disgusted is a great word. It is so strange that you are using that word today of all days. Earlier today I wrote a blog for tomorrow and it has the word disgust in it too! I guess that is where anyone in our situations end up, eventually. It gets too hard eventually to be forgiving and kind and generous all the time. At some point we end up feeling disgusted! So strange that both you and I are feeling that at the same point in time.. but I think it is a good thing. Meant to protect us. 💜👍
Yes, and really, the behavior is disgusting. I would never allow myself to even be a friend to a man who did what he did. It’s time for me to stand up and be counted, and say what it is. And not make excuses for it or him. Sure, he has the light in him just like we all do. But it’s been his choice to manifest the ugly, sick, negative, fearful side. Let him live with it. But i sure am not going to. It is what it is. I have never minced words, I have always said what I see, I have no problem facing the full reality when I can finally see it. He’s a scumbag. He’ll have to find another supply.
💪👍💖💜 (that’s t
Meh I even sent my reply before it was complete lol. I was just gonna say that that is the only reply I can muster at 06.39 a.m. after working all night lol 😁
It’s good to be disgusted with them. Really. It’s a different emotion, and one that doesn’t feel likely to allow me to be sucked back in. I hope you’re sleeping now? lol!
Slept a couple hours, lol. Hope to turn it around a bit tonight though. Glad you are feeling this strength hugs!
It is so odd that we, you and I, keep having the same experiences…. I have felt this too lately, looking back at all my old posts… I wish I could say it has helped me feel “better” but not quite… I will get there soon, I hope. love you. M.
I’ve read them before and I was usually triggered. Badly, so I didn’t read them. I wasn’t ready. Today I just plowed through, I am sick to death of being triggered and none of it was my fault, and none of it did I deserve. I’m not really angry, it was my choice, but I am disgusted with a man who could take that pure emotion and use it with no concern for the damage it caused anyone else. Sick of being triggered, and sick of him. Sick of it all. You will get there…I’m a little ahead of you on this trip, but you’ll get there. Acceptance comes slowly. but you will….xoxo
It’s the 14th thing I don’t give a fuck about now, lol.
The same for me. “Old posts are being read.” Hmmm….wonder who it is?
Really? I’ve had it be just a new reader, but even a new reader would have gotten sick of the sordid tale after 20. They read like 100, the entire history. Whatever. They’ve stopped now. Thankfully.
It’s the “14th thing you don’t give a fuck about now?” LOL
The comment was made to follow up on a post she had made in FB, the 13 things I don’t give a fuck about now that I’m older. lol, I said this is the 14th to your list… FB can be fun, lol.