I’m tired tonight. Been working like a dog on stuff at home. Went to a friends house for the afternoon, and talked and laughed. At the end of the day, when I’m this tired…these thoughts come into my head. So….I put them here, to put them out of my heart and into the universe, to atone as it sees fit. I miss him still, sometimes……til I remember. And then I have to let go a little more. So here it is, a benediction, an ending, a wrapping up. Maybe it will be enough.
Benediction for S
And so, where did you go?
To the chapel, to pray?
The chapel by the water
That was your home for so long?
And mine….I know those waters
Like I knew the way to your house.
Did you think about the heart you crushed,
the hearts?
I wonder which one cried more
Mine or hers?
You never even asked me if I was ok.
You didn’t care.
You cut another little piece of my heart out,
Just like Janis Joplin says.
You never even looked back to see if I got up,
If I lived or died.
Maybe it was your heart that cried the most.
Every once in awhile I wonder
If you’re okay
If you’re drinking too much
Smoking too much
If you stayed quit as you were when you disappeared.
If the full moon made you cry,
If the mimosa tree is blooming.
If you miss nights on the deck talking
Laughing
Loving.
If you miss me, at all.
I just wonder, sometimes.
Then I remember
Your coldness
Your disregard and disrespect
of what we had.
I remember how you belittled and berated
Something that was wonderful between us,
To her,
To quell her jealousy.
To make her feel more important than me.
Even though, she couldn’t.
Or wouldn’t.
And I could. And I did.
The jealousy ran deep with her.
But not the love.
Even if she does now,
Her motivation was jealousy of me
Not love of you.
You thought jealousy was love.
Your mistake.
Not mine.
I remember all of this.
And it makes me sad
And it makes me hurt
All over again.
So I stop.
I just stop
wondering anything about you.
If a thought of you makes it through the firewall
That I’ve built
I just say NO…..You’re not welcome here.
Same reason I can’t talk to you.
Because it always comes back to pain.
It always comes back to choices made
By you
That hurt someone.
Usually me.
I was expendable.
In the end, I think, maybe
You hurt yourself the most.
Maybe she’s forgiven you,
I know I have.
Sadly,
It was the best you can do.
But she can never trust you
Not to hurt her.
Never…
Whether or not
It was the best you could do.
If she’s with you,
she’ll leave you over and over
Because she can’t trust you with her heart.
Like I said, in the end,
No matter how things are at the moment
You hurt yourself the most.
I’m going…..
You could have come with me, once upon a time.
But now
No.
I go alone.
A new start, a place to heal.
A place to forget you.
A place to find someone
I can trust
With my heart.
I know, you know,
I can take care of his heart.
I wish you peace.
I doubt that you will ever find it.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
What is it about these “men” that mistake jealousy for love? When somebody cuts you off because you talked to your then wife….that REALLY means love, doesn’t it?
Did HIS heart cry the most? Nope. If he cried at all, he cried for himself.
Is this really a benediction? Maybe for you but for him? I don’t think so.
He did, he cried the most but for himself. It was never about anyone else. I remember her “request” that I copy her in all my communication with him. Just….wow. Same as WTC. And then how she regurgitated to me the lies he told her about he and I. It was what she wanted to hear, and he knew it. But it was lies. I never wanted anything but the truth.
Idk about the benediction. I do wish him peace, I also know that he’ll never find it unless he can actually face the truth about himself, stand up and own his story completely. And I know that he’s sure he’ll die if he does that. So, instead, he lives like he’s dead already. So much fear of facing things head on.
I think this is probably just another layer for me, of facing it. Head on. The only way to get to the other side is to walk through the shit in this case.
Thanks for being here. Xo
Hell….Loser cried all the time. Where do these tramps come off with their requests and demands? Unbelievable!
Do you really think S will ever “face the truth about himself?” They are not capable of that, Deb. We both know that…..they’re not equipped. They only know how to blame everybody else.
No I don’t. That’s why I said “I doubt that you’ll ever find it.” He blamed himself for causing the original problem by being with both of us. But it was gratuitous. It was what he had to do to get either of us to talk to him. But change???? No. He continued with more lies, more devious, vicious lies under a pretense of telling the truth. So far from the truth. She believed him too, for a time. But then I think she figured it out, once I refused to be a factor. She had nothing to be jealous of, and realized what she had, Amanda who would lie to anyone about anything, to get what he wanted. I’ve always said the universe will spit the lies back out. And I think it did. I can’t know for sure, I don’t talk to either of them. I just think I’m right. A “knowing”. He would not have tried to reach me if he were with her.
So maybe he’s finally alone. Or out looking for a new supply. What a life. Ugh. Just ugh.
Ha. I had the gratuitous “acceptance” too, UNTIL, I stood up and pushed back. THEN it was all MY fault. LOL
If he’s alone, don’t you think that would be a catalyst for him trying to contact you? Those people (if he’s anything like Loser) cannot stand to be alone.
Oh yeah exactly. I believe he was alone for a few weeks, when she realized. Then at some point he knew it was most likely really over and contacted me again, I’ve always told him I’ll always love him. But he wanted the game still. The cryptic messages, ignoring my real answers, avoiding the hard conversation. So I emailed him and asked him to just stop. To please, finally, just let me go. Haven’t heard since, it is almost 3 weeks. But idk if that means forever with him. Can only wait and see and deal with what comes my way. He can only leave a voice mail or another cryptic message on my blog. Or snail mail, or just show up here. He’s limited in his options. He probably thinks it’s too much work anyway, and I’m quite content with the silence from his end. 🙊🙉🙈