I’m irritated this morning. I’m at a loss as to the pain that humans (if you can call them that) are capable of visiting on each other.

I had a weird day yesterday. I was missing that man, the one I used to know. Stupid, I know. It’s like part of my brain just goes on hold, and refuses to acknowledge his ability to be cruel. I’m back today, without the illusions that maybe he could be once again, the man I knew. I am a little irritated with myself for stepping backwards, but I guess we all do. I reclaimed the ground I lost this morning, and maybe won’t need to go there again.

In the meantime, he once again, treated me with the disdain that he always has, narcissist that he is. Then my realtor pissed me off. Then I heard about Orlando. And I just gotta wonder about people. I guess we are all wondering about people, today, after that carnage.

The small acts of indifference, and turning heads, and small cruelties like ignoring people, all contribute to the pervasive fear that causes things like Orlando. It’s all lesser or greater manifestation of fear. Fear of someone seeing who you really are. Fear of people sharing affection. Fear of love, yes….so many people are so screwed up that they fear love, and trust fear. WTF.

I’m just so sick of it.

We have to try, make a conscious effort, to extend love. It’s not easy, but isn’t it easier than projecting fear? Isn’t it easier than hurting someone? I extended love to this man, yesterday, he projects fear in his inability to respond, or unwillingness. As if I was the one who caused his demise. As if his own ego did not create and orchestrate all the pain that he has caused, and for which I choose to forgive, because I can’t hold on to the hate and anger and pain. But because he’s a believer in fear, and not love, he chooses to continue his cruel behavior. And not to trust the love that is extended to him.

In my humanness, yesterday, I longed to see the false man he once represented himself to be. Don’t worry, today I know that it is just an illusion, only because he chooses it to be that way.

I suppose it’s the best he can do. And for that I feel sorry for him.

When the ego’s fear builds to such a huge crescendo that it causes an Orlando, a Sandy Hook, it’s past time to feel sorry for these people who prefer fear over love. It’s all the same path. To hurt one, is to hurt all. To add pain to the world is to add pain. It’s time to legislate love, not allow people to arm themselves to act out their fears. Love everyone and protect them by not allowing those whose fear is so great they would create the horror that is Orlando.

Everyone has the choice. The man I loved…his ego feels important if someone loves him without reason. He gets his narcissitic supply, he thinks he’s pulled one over on the one who cares for him. He thinks it’s cool to hide, to secret away his emotions. It validates his power, he thinks.

Such erroneous thinking. That “power” has him old, sick and probably all alone. I think maybe he thinks that he deserves that. His ego…trying to kill him, to maintain it’s power.

The best he could do. Geezus. Thank God I don’t have to live knowing the best I could do was to hurt people who loved me without limit. But it’s the best he can do. Worthy of my pity. Also worthy of my backing away, turning a hard right, or left, finding a path around him.

It’s all the same thing.

I think Marianne Williamson explains it in the image above. So simple, yet so impossible for some.  And anyone can change at any moment they choose to walk the other path.

Ok, all this aside, it pisses me off that I have to go to work again today. I should be packing up my house, and moving on.

It’s coming. It’s coming.

Love and light all.