I want to apologize for dragging you guys into my sordid ex love life. I really mean it. I had no idea he’d comment. I figured if he can’t respond to a kind loving message he’s not reading them anymore. I still don’t understand why he couldn’t just message me and say, “Deb, Betty and I are trying to work it out and I need you to leave me alone.” If that’s what’s going on, but I’m guessing it is, based on the level of his anger. Exposed….Whatever.
I thought, hell, if he’s going to talk to me like that, after all I did was text him a loving poem I’d written (which is posted below). I have no idea if he is with Betty or not, and don’t really care, sometimes I just miss him, or did. I think tonight’s display of ugliness, stupidity, anger, are enough to make me run and keep running. This is the poem I sent him.
I wanted to see you.
The ache runs deep today.
I can’t seem to let go, today.
Even though……
I almost asked you to meet me there.
Then a I got a second opinion,
From the universe.
Still, it’s all I can do to stop myself from dialing your number.
Yet I know…
Where it will lead.
And how it will hurt when you’re gone.
That keeps me from asking.
Still, I love you.
Even though.
Wishing things were different.
Knowing they will not be.
Fly, Scott. Lift your wings
And become the man I always saw.
The man I loved.
And still do.
If you do…I hope you’ll fly to me and let me know.
This is what instigated it. I stupidly missed him, and figured he was not with her, or would not have tried to reach me a few weeks ago. I still don’t know if he is. If he is, then he only needed to tell me that. For God’s sake. I’ve disappeared because of her a few times now. I won’t compete, don’t want to compete. He just could have been decent and acknowledged me.
But, it’s not his way. His way is to spew as much hate and darkness and fear as he can. I gotta feel for him, that that’s all he knows. That that’s the best he can do.
Anyway, I’m so sorry you were all subjected to the kind of low life crap he spews out when he’s angry. He’s blocked now, from commenting, from my phone, from my email. He left me a voice mail, asking me to call him, before he started all the vile comments. I. Will. Not. Call. Him.
I will not allow his energy to infest this blog again. I will not go backwards again.
Again, I’m sorry.
Love and light……
Edit: I had to go and disapprove all his comments solid new ones wouldn’t show up. So they are all in spam now. And I feel like my blog is cleansed. Rough night. But it’s over.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
I missed the comments. I don’t need to see them. You just have to gain access to peace and maintain it.
I hope you do soon. I hope we all do. Peace, Deb.
Oh they stayed, I didn’t delete them. I thought they’d go when I blocked him, but they didn’t. Yes, I will….I am back today, yesterday was tough. Tonight was ridiculous. I had no idea…..I suppose I should have, but I haven’t seen him in 6 months. I just forgot how rude and crude he could be. Thanks Tre. xoxo
You’re very welcome. Hang in there. *big hugs*
I didn’t read them either, but from your poem, I think that sometimes people aren’t who you need them to be. Who you want to see them as, and that’s really very sad.
That’s for sure. I always saw who he could be, I could always see his soul. to my own detriment. Lesson learned, each time I learn it better. I hope today is enough that I never go back there.
Strength, courage and peace to you. Those people who used to be important to you are like habits – you can break the need for them, but it usually takes time. After all, you were attracted to them in the first place for good reasons. For better reasons, you have chosen to move on. You are not weak for missing them. It shows you truly cared. That is your strength, and that will allow you to move on for yourself, and ultimately, for them. You are not responsible for them – no apologies necessary. They are responsible for themselves.
Thank you. So much. Been a rough night. I told him a couple weeks ago he has been my best teacher. Too bad he only learned how to hurt, and deceive. But it’s his problem now not mine.
I did not see any of his comments, they are not visible anymore, now when I read your blog. That is alright I dont need to see them. I am sorry it played out like that. I hope things get peaceful for you again now. Glad you have gone NC.
💜
S, I had to disapprove them because he kept commenting even on this blog and if he had any approved, they automatically get posted. He was vile. I will maybe email you a few screenshots do you can see. Ugh. Nasty. Rough night.
I see. Email me anytime you like if u wanna talk more etc. I will be svamped with work but I will find time in the afternoon (your time= some time in the AM) to email you back. Hugs. 💜
The person u should be apologizing to is yourself, Hun…i say this to u cuz I been there and I hate seeing anyone follow along in my faltered footsteps..to keep exposing yourself to this toxic exposure is an exercise in self abuse. He can only be as dark and dangerous as u allow him to be. Every time u send him a poem, analyze his reactions and behavior, or simply spend time and energy hating him, u r dragging yourself right back into the militarized zone. The best thing u can do is not contact him, cuz every time u do u r putting yourself right back in the toxic soup. Whether he is good, bad, or indifferent is not really the issue–it’s all about what effect he (and your interactions with each other) has on u..knowing when to leave is the healthiest and smartest thing u can learn, and cutting this cord will save your life– U can’t move forward if ur transmission is stuck in reverse. Please give yourself a break here, put it in drive and leave him in the dust.
And Yes, love and light is warm and clear and comforting but learning to accept and walk through the darkness is a life lesson we all need to embrace and learn from…u can’t have one w/out the other, after all😉😸👍🏽🌓