Had a pretty calm day today. I have to admit that I checked my voice mails until about noon, to see if he was going to leave me more of them.

But no, he didn’t. No voice mails, no emails, no comments, nothing. Not a sound. Or a letter.

Thankfully. God, so thankfully.

Work was a bear today. I did manage to sleep last night, but not a lot. I ended up working late, and came home exhausted. Had a glass of Chardonnay while my frozen DiGiorno Thin Crust pizza cooked. My last nerve was frayed last night. By tonight it was numb. Just numb. Shut down.

How could I have loved him so much? Some of you know now….those who read his comments before I had to delete them. As crazy mean and creepy as he was last night, there were nights, and days, when his extremeism went the other way. I never saw this side of him, until Betty…..

It feels like he suddenly blamed me for being in his life, when she wasn’t in it, so that he had to explain it to her. Idk. It’s crazy.

I stayed in it, even when she was back, even though I was unaware of her presence, because he wouldn’t let me go.

And then when she knew, he turned on me. Turned on me, thinking that it would appease her jealousy if he could convince her by his abhorrent treatment of me suddenly, that he didn’t care.

I think it convinced her that nothing he said was for sure, that he could turn on anyone on a dime. I don’t know. I don’t talk to her. Just surmising. Just, that’s where I would be. Lie after lie, proven. Bad mouthing a relationship HE remained in for 18 months. That HE wouldn’t let go of, even when I begged him to.

Then when she finds out, he attacks me, in front of her. Thinking he’s proving that he loves her. All he proved is that he can’t stand in his own story, that he can use people, for a long time, so they don’t even know it. That he was out for himself. All that time.

And let’s not forget the brief interlude right after she found out about me, when he ran to me. Again. To be reassured that he was loved by someone. Even I would do. And I did my job. I picked him up off the floor. I dusted him off. I loved him as much as ever. More maybe, because all I wanted then was to see him be happy.

While he used me. Again. And denied me again. And again.

That hurts. I loved him so fucking much.

I’d never want a man who could do that to anyone.

I want to say, in case she reads this, and I have no idea if she does, that I don’t blame her. I blame him. He gets to own that behavior. She only gets to own that she condoned it, that she was complicit. She knew what he was doing, she was copied on every ugly email, and took it upon herself to speak for him. But….she was also wrecked by him. She was also blindsided, and I think that then, at that time, she was still picking herself up off the floor, especially considering he was bedding me down within a week of her leaving him when she found out about me, and her head was spinning.  Spinning hard enough that her vision was blurred.  I get it.  I’ve been there.

He fucked us both over.

Maybe she’s with him now, maybe she’s not. But she has to think about that, if she thinks about him. What kind of man does what he did to me? Or to her?

I could answer, but I won’t. Most everyone knows the answer.

I’ve learned that I can love someone, but never have them in my life. It was a hard lesson to learn. I learned how not to trust someone. That was an even harder lesson.

I told him, a couple weeks ago, that he was my best teacher. I didn’t tell him why.  Because he taught me lessons I never wanted to learn. I suppose it’s useful knowledge. I’d rather be oblivious to it though.

I guess I started it last night. Sending him that loving poem. And then because he just ignored me, again, commenting on his blog. Yeah I was trying to get a response. I was sick of him commenting, posting blogs, communicating with me, and when he didn’t get the response he wanted, ignoring me. But I didn’t expect the response I got. I actually thought it was just a funny story, that because I harassed him on his blog like he did me on mine, he set his blog for private. When he had but one viewer, me. Because he never posted, except to say something to me. I honestly thought it was a funny story. I also didn’t consider that he’d even read it, since he was ignoring me so solidly. Why would he read the blog, if he was ignoring me?  He knows what I think of him, how I feel about him.  He doesn’t need the blog to tell him. Nothing changed.  It still makes no sense to me.

So this post will probably anger him too. It’s not my intention. It’s me, trying to understand what happened last night.

Sorry to talk about it again. I’m calmer now. I’m just trying to work it through. And this is how I do it. Words.

Today, I needed something from someone at work. My boss said to me, in a funny way, “You’ve got a voice! Use it and ask for it.” I looked at him and laughed. I said, “Um…you do know who you’re talking to?” He laughed so hard, I said, “I don’t think anyone has ever accused me of being reticent before.” Because I tend to be known as someone who pretty much calls it as it is. At work, in life. No camouflage in me.

So here I am tonight, trying to get down to the basic truth. To remove the layers of bullshit camouflage that cover it up.  I loved this man, but right now, I wish I didn’t. And hope some day I won’t.

Love and light, all.