S tried to play Go with me yesterday. It’s the game he loves, that I had never heard of, in which according to him,no one loses, everyone saves face. I’m not sure how that description came to him, because I can’t find any reference to that particular function of the game anywhere, but that is how he described it to me, and why he liked it so much.

Now, not really, not in real life did we actually sit down at his board and play. But we had a lengthy phone and text conversation in which he tried to save face.

You know how I feel about that. If you screw up, if you hurt someone, if you let your ego run away with you, then you recognize, feel remorse, and repair the damage. There is no saving face. At least, not until you’ve done all of those things. Then your face is saved. Life is not a board game.

At any rate, we found no common ground. I did not expect to. I know there is none. I know he will read this blog and say I am trashing him again. I’m not going to go into detail about what we talked about, it’s just boring and really, a repetition of every other time. He wants me to change how I work things out, here.

The difference is, I think, that this time I realize and accept that whatever our relationship was or is, loving or contentious, probably a lot of both, is over. I have no illusions, no desires. I actually said my piece to him, about my writing and many other things, and am done with it.

He is who he is, I am who I am. He hates this blog, but can’t stop reading it. The conversation ended with there being nothing more to say. I will write, he will hate it. Once in a while I’ll write about him if I need to, though I see that as becoming more and more infrequent.

I do want to say that I have probably been unfair and inconsiderate of B. For that I apologize. She is definitely a factor in our conversation yesterday, but I can only feel sorry for her, because she has so much history with him. Whatever he was, he hurt her, just like he hurt me, and whatever she said that led me to say unkind things about her, were only because he so screwed with her head. I will admit that some of what I said about her that was unkind was in response to things she said to me that I felt were unkind. I can own that. I did the wrong thing, I feel bad about it, and this is my attempt at repair. I hope we can leave it all in the past. I will not do it again. She has enough on her plate. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

I don’t want to get detailed about it, here. I think that to see it in the blog again would only rub salt into a wound. She knows what I speak about and I’m sure doesn’t need it published, even anonymously, again.  I’m sorry for it, B.

That’s how it works, when you can own your story. You own what you did, right or wrong, positive or negative. You own it, then you do something about it. I won’t hustle for my worthiness. I will stand up and say I did that, it was wrong, I won’t do it again. This is an example for you S, of how it works. I am not casting blame on her, I am just owning my part, whether or not she did anything that caused a reaction from me. It doesn’t matter. I knew better, I know better. I know who I want to be, and my actions were inconsistent with that. So I will try to undo them.

In the words of Maya Angelou, When we know better we do better.  It has always been my quest to be able to do better next time.

I slept well last night. I feel like finally, there is no unfinished business between us. I can move to Florida unencumbered. I can open my heart to someone fully, there are no cords tying me to a sordid, unhappy past at the moment. It’s time for Avalon, the place of new beginnings.  There are energetic connections between us that may always be.  But I’ll learn how to deal with them, so that they don’t turn my world upside down again.

I’m thanking the universe for bringing the buyer to my house. Just waiting for it to manifest. And it will, I’m sure. All the things I dream of have manifested. Selling of this house and someone who can love me the way I can love will happen too.

Love and light, all.