I guess that when I talked to Scott Saturday, I’d hoped he’d changed. But I should have known that the fact that he was so urgently calling me, meant he hadn’t, at all. He’d just been caught again, in the web he weaves for himself. And was tangled up, and looking for someone to cut him free, to give him safety, to validate that he wasn’t such a bad guy, just screwed up.

I was disappointed, to say the least, that his tactics remained to blame me for his problems. And then, to ask me to change what I do to rectify them, instead of looking at himself to change, to rectify them. To looking to me for comfort from the storm he created. And then, getting angry when I said, No…..You hurt me last time I tried to help you. You’re on your own this time.

Did he expect more? Apparently.

But that’s why I say, there has been no change. I know B wants to believe he’s changed. I hoped, but didn’t expect, he would. But he has continued to throw shit against the wall, hoping none of it sticks, or at least, that no one realizes who threw it. I will stay away, as I told him, for my own sanity.

And I mean that, for my own sanity. Monday night the man vilely comments on my blog, calling me filthy names, Friday night he wants to come sit on my deck and look at the stars. Not even the semblance of an apology for the things he said Monday. Crazy making. Nor even the smallest indication that he screwed himself over again. Just “save me, take me, give me worth.”

Give your own self worth.

I realize he’s searching, but his search is external. The answers are inside, not with me, not with B. Not in how others feel about him, but how he feels about himself. He has so much fear of owning up to the things he does. His ego telling him he will lose face, lose people if he does. Yet…that direction has lost him two people who loved him dearly.

My ex did the same thing….it’s just crazy. I have thought, God, he’s lost everything. His home, his business, his family, his boat. Would you not rethink your way of living? But he’s so immersed, his ego is so full of blame of everyone else, particularly me, that he just keeps losing more.

I hope Scott can stop before he’s lost as much as my ex. I hope he can look inward. I would have liked to be friends with someone I loved so much. Both Betty and I have said if we knew about each other, we would have walked away and been happy for him. But instead, he has kept the triangulation running. He became less bold with the deceit, but it was still there.

And I know this blog will piss him off. I know his ego will tell him that I’m trashing him. I’m actually trying to open a door or at least a window for him, to look through, to see a better path.

These thoughts are in my head today, and need to come out. As I told him, I will keep writing as I need to, you will keep hating it.

Makes me sad for him. The love never dies, it just changes form. But as someone said to me, we have so much to be grateful for, we can’t let people like him steal our happiness any longer.

Moving on, moving away, feeling free. Seeing what is, and not what could be. I wish him luck, I wish him peace, but again….I don’t expect he’ll find it, not until he can stand in his story and find his own worth. He’s been hustling on the corner for way too long.

Love and light all.