I have a showing on my house tomorrow. I worked til 7, then came home and went over my floors again. I took down my family pictures this morning. Everyone said, yes you have to do that. People can’t visualize their families in the house with your family pictures up. Then, I got my white sage smudge stick, and smudged the whole house, asking all the spirits that might be with me, to help the people who see the house tomorrow to envision happy times, babies in cribs, and children playing, making love in the bedroom, happy holidays. Then I put on my diffuser, and put two essential oils in it, Highest Potential by Young Living, and Uplift which my son got for me where he works. I have it running in my kitchen/eating area which runs into my family room. Tomorrow I’ll run it upstairs.

Not sure I can do anything else energetically to create the energetic atmosphere I want when people view the house.

I want to sell this house so bad. No matter how I try, there are so many things that linger, that I just don’t want to be reminded of.

Like my deck. I think of it as my sacred space. But there is so much of him out there with me. I let him into it, we spent hours there, I thought together, I thought just us. Talking quietly, intimately. Star gazing. He showed me my first moon dogs. We saw shooting stars in the August meteor shower. Maybe it was just us for awhile, but maybe it was just a game he played with me. When it goes bad, it all goes bad. I don’t know what was real and what was him fucking with my head, my heart. I need a new space. Where he never was. Where no one will join me who would do that to me.

I don’t want him there, I’m not saying I do. Just saying, that there are reminders all over the place of how I loved someone who could do what he did to me. And I need to forget, not be reminded.

The deck is only one space. There are many. And that’s only here.

Every day I drive by the lake in the center of town. The lake that was my backyard for 30 years. The lake that I first took my son swimming in. Where I used to shovel hockey rinks for my son, where he really learned to skate. I can look across it and see the house, that should have been the beautiful home of my exquisite family, but instead became a house of misery.

I need a new view, I need a new space. I love this house, my son and I have been happy here. Really happy. But it’s time to go. Just time.

I had this plan, to move, in place before I met him. I never deviated. I never said, Maybe I won’t go. Did I know? Did I, deep in my soul, know what our outcome would be? I can’t answer. But I know there is happiness there, waiting. I know that I will breathe in that warm sultry tropical air and I’ll find peace. I know there are good things waiting there. My house is an 11. I closed on it on my birthday. My 65^th birthday, which also makes it an 11. New beginnings. Energy portals. Time to heal. Time to be fully myself. Time to find someone who wants to be part of that life, large or small. Time will tell.

So, if you pray….say a prayer for me to sell this house soon. If you don’t….then think positive thoughts for me.

Thank you…all of you.

Love and light, all….