Mellowed Out

As the day progressed today, I knew that my intuition was correct about Scott’s surgery a year and a half ago. I put all the pieces together, and I know I’ve uncovered the truth. It casts a pall over a beautiful memory, one of the very few untainted memories I had, but I feel like at least I know the truth. I can deal with the truth. I’ll sleep well tonight. He’s the one who should lose sleep over the lies he told me and her. Imagine, he has her picking him up, hours after having a beautiful night with me. Lying to both of us, equally.

But I know, and I’m sure she does, it’s the best he can do. He is just incapable of raising his level of consciousness to understand the effects of the devastation he wreaks. And he’s way too much of a narcissist to care. He began weaving his intricate web of deception, purposefully back then. The universe dealt with it. I hope that I never talk to him again. Betty….I don’t think she’s there yet. But the sheer volume of deception he practiced on 2 women that absolutely loved him beyond all reason, will someday lead her home, I feel sure. I pray for her, really, that he’s not able to do it to her again. I can pray equally as hard that he is able to get off the destructive path he’s on. She and I have lives that are rich and full, without him. His…..not so much. But, it’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of looking in the mirror, not liking what you see, and dealing with it. I don’t think he’s up to it.

I have been his mirror, ever since we met. I’ve made him look at himself. He rarely liked what he saw and railed against the reflection. But I loved him in spite of the demons that glared back at him. He still can’t stand the glare. But he loves the fact that he’s loved anyway. I think it’s a new concept for him, although he gets some of that from her I think. I think she is capable of it. I think he’s not.

Just my never to be humble opinion.

Anyway, I feel good tonight. I can love, beyond limit and I’m happy about that. Scott was just practice at that. I am trusting my intuition and I like doing that. My son and his friend made me dinner tonight. The best tacos I’ve had in ages, and I sat on the deck with a glass of wine while they cooked. It was so nice out. It was hot today, almost 90 but cooling off nicely this evening. I am not frantic about the house, I know it will happen, when it should. And when I get to Florida I’ll begin a new life. Scott can stew in his misery or do what ever he can to climb out of it. It won’t involve me. I’ll wish him the best, I’ll send him my love and I’ll find happiness, love, all of it. I know this will happen.

I love having the pieces of the puzzle in place. I love knowing what happened, so I can move forward and not give it more than a momentary thought again. And those will come to me less and less frequently, and only make me shake my head. Not make me cry.

Love and light.

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