It woke me again last night, but not for as long. It’s assimilating, the one more lie, maybe the final piece of the puzzle that I needed to put it all away. He is who he is. I think maybe he thinks everything he feels or does is wrong so he lies about it as a matter of practice. It’s what he learned. I get what happened. He could have told me then, but that’s what I mean about not being able to stand in his story.

I was still devastated over the prison whore, back then, in February of last year. I could barely think of him without crying, or anger. He needed someone to take him to the  hospital and he doesn’t have many people. I am sure he asked her to take him when I wasn’t talking to him. Then couldn’t undo it when we began talking again. He should have told me she was coming the next morning. I get though, that we’d just been through the prison whore, he wasn’t going to add to that pain by telling me he’d asked her when I wasn’t talking to him. I only decided I needed to go to him a couple of nights before.

I don’t think they got back together then, because I was seeing him all the time. It was just the first seed planted. It didn’t germinate for a couple of months. But the die was cast. He got a taste then, for deception of me and her. I’m sure he didn’t tell her about me. I’m sure she had no idea. She thought he had no one. He wasn’t about to say, I have someone who would take me but I just screwed a prison whore and she won’t talk to me right now, lol.

It’s whatever. It is what it is. He makes bad decisions, lies to cover them up, lies because he is just used to lying about everything and creating his own house of cards. It came crashing down on him, hard. It crashed on me too, and her. But she and I can get up and move on. He’s stuck in the rubble because he created it, he designed it, it was all his. We were just players, and now play a different role.

I’ve always been his mirror. He has to look at himself with me, and he hates that. But he also knows that I see beauty in him that he can’t see, so I think he’s always come back for more. Thus the push pull of our relationship. Maybe he’ll stop now, after the last weak foray to reclaim his place in my psyche. It cost him again, and maybe he’ll tire of it.

I’m good this morning. I’m going out with a friend tonight, that will be fun and a good way to end the week. We have a 3 day weekend, and I’m hoping to get to the beach one of the days. The friend I’m going out with is the one who was with me when the drunk guy at the bar asked us to his party on July 3. So tonight, maybe we’ll decide to go, lol. Might be fun. I’m sure there will be a ton of people there. I was telling my hairdresser about it, she does his hair. She said, “go….he may not remember asking you but he certainly won’t care if you come….” LOL.

It’s a thought.

So, probably no writing tonight, but I’ll be back in the morning.

Love and light all….