My energy this week has been so chaotic. So emotional. One moment I’m elated. The next, I am envisioning myself saying goodbye to my son at the Denver airport in 7 weeks, and wondering how I will get through it. One moment I can’t wait to be in my Florida home, and the next I can’t imagine leaving this one, where I’ve been so happy with my son.
Change is so hard, for most of us. Retirement is a HUGE thing. Moving is HUGE thing. Your only child leaving home is a HUGE thing. And they are all happening at once for me. I went out last night intending to numb some of that emotion. Because it’s just overwhelming. I will work through it. It’s a happy thing, what I’m doing now. It’s not caused by pain and misery, but by a joyful realization of a dream. Still….
I left my ex almost 10 years ago. I had, then, to create a new life. I realized when I left him, that I thought that the absence of pain was joy. If he wasn’t angry with me, or lying to me, or manipulating mem in some way, even for a few hours, I would think, “Oh, this is so nice. To just breathe.” Not even realizing that my breath then was still labored, still expectant of the next wave of power and control to come.
So, I set about making a happy life when I left. I left my home on the lake where I’d lived for 30 years, and set about creating a life that made me happy, where my son could come and visit and experience another way of living. He came to live with me by his own choice, and we were living in a small 800 sq. ft. condo, but we were happy. We had to work through so much, and we did, we still do…but it’s pretty easy now. We have a bond that I’m sure can never be broken, no matter how far he lives from me.
I’ve made real honest friendships since that time. I only had a couple of friendships before I left my ex, but those friendships saw me through that difficult time. I began this spiritual journey, which I think has saved my life, and maybe my sons. I’ve fallen head over heels in love, had my heart shattered, and have put it back together by myself, alone. I’ve fallen, and I’ve risen, and I’m so grateful for all the experiences that I’ve had since I left that marriage.
I’ve learned that love does indeed never really die. My ex-husband, now….tugs at my heartstrings because I know what he could have been, but his demons were too strong. He still, after losing everything, can’t understand what happened to him. I feel enormous sadness for him. I wish he could find some small happiness in this life.
Scott….well, I still say, I love him always and all ways. I know that our relationship was probably never meant to last. I think we came into each other’s life to teach us lessons. I’ve learned mine, I’m sure. I don’t know still about him. His last text to me, just a few weeks ago, after I refused to allow him to come see me just because Betty had left him, said, he was sorry, but he was more sorry he’d ever let me into his life.
Lashing out at me, because I said no, to save myself more pain. Lashing out because Betty found out about his unsuccessful attempt to engage me. I stopped talking to him, then. And have not talked since. I cannot stand the rewriting of history, to somehow purge himself of blame. It wasn’t that he
let me into his life. It was that he could never let me go. No matter how many times I asked him. Even when I knew she was in his life. Every weekend when she was gone, he would text me, call me, want me to come see him. For months. It wasn’t me that barged into his life, it was he that would never let me go. Even this last go round, with the cryptic messages, late night phone calls, blog posts and comments…..were all designed to keep my head wrapped around him.
So, I feel for him. Because he can’t yet own his story, and what he did and why he did it. He still is determined to put it back on me. Me, whose heart he broke so completely, with a depth of lies that were beyond my ability to comprehend.
My story, that I have to own, is that I loved a man who didn’t exist, but could have, easily. I refused to see the red flags rising, and I refused to be strong enough to stay away when he called me back to him for months. I have the inability to see people’s humanness so often. I see their pain, I see their soul, I see their heartache. I see the best of them, never the worst. It got me in a lot of trouble with Scott.
And yet, I love his soul. And I always have, and I always will. But our paths separate now. He needs a game player, and I’m not one. The last lie I just undid earlier this week, was just another move by the players. Another one-up of him by her, payback for all the lies he told her. She told him I did something that I didn’t do. It was a manipulation of him. Just like all the times he’s manipulated her. I think that stuff has gone on between them for years. Which is why after 15 years they still don’t have a solid foundation. They can play all they want, but just leave me out of it. Don’t use my name. Don’t involve me in that sordid tale any longer.
I loved fully, completely, unconditionally. I still do. But my path diverges, I need to keep rising, keep evolving my soul.
I trust in the universe, to bring me all that I desire. The dreams I had with my ex, and with Scott….well, they will manifest still, with someone who is capable of rising and falling and getting back up, and owning his story about how he tripped over himself. Look at the way the universe has manifested for me. My house in Florida. A cash offer on my house here. Closing date when I want it. The buyer wanting my furniture.
And with the release of that last lie, what feels like complete non-attachment to that old situation that has plagued me for a year now. It’s over.
Why should I not believe that all the other things I dream of will manifest? Love is a powerful thing to feel, for yourself, for others. I try to live by extending love wherever I go. Not saying I’m successful all the time. But it’s a goal.
So much for hazy thoughts on a hot summer morning. Just settling down, reviewing my last 10 years. Making sure I know where I’ve been and where I’m going, and where I am. Especially where I am.
Love and light.