Last night I said I didn’t like to watch the news anymore. I don’t think I need to expound on that. Man’s ability to be cruel to his fellow man is so mind-blowing, when with so much less effort, he could be kind. Who can understand the mindset of fear that lives in these people?
But I was reading Myworldshattered’s blog this morning, and she talked about people who don’t even consider the consequences of their actions until way too late. And then it’s just a matter of them getting caught. The remorse is not real. It’s only like the Rihanna song, “You’re only sorry you got caught.”
And I thought, same mindset, just one is way more psychotic than the other, but they are both pretty psychotic, really.
Scott got caught by me, and I made him tell her, once I had her name. Because she deserved to know what a liar and a phony he was. His remorse was deep, but his remorse was that she left him, not that he cheated on her with me, and on me with her. It was that he got caught and looked like the asshole that he was. He said to me, “it’s the story of my life, self sabotage.” Because he knew that at some point we’d all find out.
He loved to walk the edge. Told me when he was on the edge he felt the most alive. I told Betty, in an email, that “this edge-walking about killed me. Probably you too.” He told me after he did the prison whore, that he does things and when they go bad, that’s when he decides he shouldn’t do that again. Thing was, he told me about the prison whore, right away. IDK, maybe it was a test. Who the fuck knows.
But in the case of Betty and I….he had so much fun with it, he couldn’t let me go. I guess he just loved my adoration of him. But he played me again and again, after I knew, he tried to keep me singing the songs to him, he tried to keep my head wrapped around him. Even as late as 1 month ago, still cryptically trying to maintain that connection.
So, my head is not wrapped around him now, but thinking about shattered’s post, I think, just as a point of interest, relating to what she said, of whether or not he thought of the consequences. He did….I know he did, but he didn’t really care. When he got found out he got found out. He tried a couple of times to break it off with me, I tried 100 times with him although I was unaware of Betty then. But when he tried with me, he could never stick with it. He was always knocking on my door again. My God, the first time, he broke up with me at a park, so he could “be alone”, lol, yeah alone with Betty. Just left out the Betty part. But at the end of the day, he asked me to come home with him. He couldn’t stick with it. It was cruel, not to tell me the truth.
Why couldn’t he face it? Why couldn’t he let me go? Because he derives all of his self-esteem from the love that others give him. There is none within himself. If Betty loved him, he must be good. If I loved him he must be better.
It all stems from a feeling of unworthiness, a belief that he doesn’t really deserve love and belonging. So he sets himself up to fail, and to hurt people and then he can look at himself and say he was right, he doesn’t deserve it.
Which is just….so counterproductive. But he really doesn’t know. He really thinks he’s an evil man. He believes he loves the dark, even though he tries every day to let as much light into his house as possible, he loves the long days of summer and the short nights.
It’s one reason, the fact that he doesn’t believe he’s worthy, that I told him over and over, I love you, I will always love you. I can’t have you in my life, because you bring me so much pain, but I love you. You can take that to the grave with you.
I know his history. I want him to know that there is one person who loved him limitlessly. It’s just the way I am. I don’t want to engage with him, because as of now, he’s incapable of anything but bringing more pain. But I can give him that, unconditional love. He can know that there is one person who loves him just because he exists, that he has value in his very existence. All lives matter. But I don’t want all lives connected to mine (though, I think his and mine are and will always be connected on levels I can’t comprehend.)
Honestly, I don’t feel the attachment to him that I did. I just was thinking about shattereds post on healthy decisions and why some of us make them and some of us can’t. My decision to love him but not allow him into my life is a healthy one for me. I don’t hold onto hate and anger, because “it’s like taking poison and thinking the other guy is gonna die.” But I also can’t allow him to come into my life again, and shatter me again. Too many times I’ve allowed that, it took me way too long to learn that lesson, but it’s learned.
I do think in shattered’s case….that he husbands behavior was just HIS way of dealing with the fact that he doesn’t feel worthy of love and belonging. So he fucks as many women as he can, and thinks that each one validates his existence on the planet. It will probably kill him in the end. Crazy friggin way to live. Another really stupid choice.
I’m going to Florida with a clear head about that whole situation. I can picture the man I will meet there, dreaming of it. And what you think about manifests. It’s always worked for me. This man will be funny, smart, creative, spiritual, and not a game player. He will be someone who knows who he is, and that he deserves love and belonging. Someone who loves himself and so can truly love others. He’ll crave what I have to offer, I will crave what he has to offer too. Maybe he’ll have killer blue eyes too, lol.
Well, onward, as Liz Gilbert says. It’s a good day for the beach. A good day to let the sea breeze fill my senses, and enjoy the love and friendship of two people with whom I am very close. 2 old friends, between us there are no secrets. So we can laugh and cry and help each other.
Love and light, everyone.