Poor choices

love and belonging

Last night I said I didn’t like to watch the news anymore. I don’t think I need to expound on that. Man’s ability to be cruel to his fellow man is so mind-blowing, when with so much less effort, he could be kind. Who can understand the mindset of fear that lives in these people?

But I was reading Myworldshattered’s blog this morning, and she talked about people who don’t even consider the consequences of their actions until way too late. And then it’s just a matter of them getting caught. The remorse is not real. It’s only like the Rihanna song, “You’re only sorry you got caught.”

And I thought, same mindset, just one is way more psychotic than the other, but they are both pretty psychotic, really.

Scott got caught by me, and I made him tell her, once I had her name. Because she deserved to know what a liar and a phony he was. His remorse was deep, but his remorse was that she left him, not that he cheated on her with me, and on me with her. It was that he got caught and looked like the asshole that he was. He said to me, “it’s the story of my life, self sabotage.” Because he knew that at some point we’d all find out.

He loved to walk the edge. Told me when he was on the edge he felt the most alive. I told Betty, in an email, that “this edge-walking about killed me. Probably you too.” He told me after he did the prison whore, that he does things and when they go bad, that’s when he decides he shouldn’t do that again. Thing was, he told me about the prison whore, right away. IDK, maybe it was a test. Who the fuck knows.

But in the case of Betty and I….he had so much fun with it, he couldn’t let me go. I guess he just loved my adoration of him. But he played me again and again, after I knew, he tried to keep me singing the songs to him, he tried to keep my head wrapped around him. Even as late as 1 month ago, still cryptically trying to maintain that connection.

So, my head is not wrapped around him now, but thinking about shattered’s post, I think, just as a point of interest, relating to what she said, of whether or not he thought of the consequences. He did….I know he did, but he didn’t really care. When he got found out he got found out. He tried a couple of times to break it off with me, I tried 100 times with him although I was unaware of Betty then. But when he tried with me, he could never stick with it. He was always knocking on my door again. My God, the first time, he broke up with me at a park, so he could “be alone”, lol, yeah alone with Betty. Just left out the Betty part. But at the end of the day, he asked me to come home with him. He couldn’t stick with it. It was cruel, not to tell me the truth.

Why couldn’t he face it? Why couldn’t he let me go? Because he derives all of his self-esteem from the love that others give him. There is none within himself. If Betty loved him, he must be good. If I loved him he must be better.

It all stems from a feeling of unworthiness, a belief that he doesn’t really deserve love and belonging. So he sets himself up to fail, and to hurt people and then he can look at himself and say he was right, he doesn’t deserve it.

Which is just….so counterproductive. But he really doesn’t know. He really thinks he’s an evil man. He believes he loves the dark, even though he tries every day to let as much light into his house as possible, he loves the long days of summer and the short nights.

It’s one reason, the fact that he doesn’t believe he’s worthy, that I told him over and over, I love you, I will always love you. I can’t have you in my life, because you bring me so much pain, but I love you. You can take that to the grave with you.

I know his history. I want him to know that there is one person who loved him limitlessly. It’s just the way I am. I don’t want to engage with him, because as of now, he’s incapable of anything but bringing more pain. But I can give him that, unconditional love. He can know that there is one person who loves him just because he exists, that he has value in his very existence. All lives matter. But I don’t want all lives connected to mine (though, I think his and mine are and will always be connected on levels I can’t comprehend.)

Honestly, I don’t feel the attachment to him that I did. I just was thinking about shattereds post on healthy decisions and why some of us make them and some of us can’t. My decision to love him but not allow him into my life is a healthy one for me. I don’t hold onto hate and anger, because “it’s like taking poison and thinking the other guy is gonna die.” But I also can’t allow him to come into my life again, and shatter me again. Too many times I’ve allowed that, it took me way too long to learn that lesson, but it’s learned.

I do think in shattered’s case….that he husbands behavior was just HIS way of dealing with the fact that he doesn’t feel worthy of love and belonging.  So he fucks as many women as he can, and thinks that each one validates his existence on the planet.  It will probably kill him in the end.  Crazy friggin way to live.  Another really stupid choice.

I’m going to Florida with a clear head about that whole situation. I can picture the man I will meet there, dreaming of it. And what you think about manifests. It’s always worked for me. This man will be funny, smart, creative, spiritual, and not a game player. He will be someone who knows who he is, and that he deserves love and belonging. Someone who loves himself and so can truly love others. He’ll crave what I have to offer, I will crave what he has to offer too. Maybe he’ll have killer blue eyes too, lol.

Well, onward, as Liz Gilbert says. It’s a good day for the beach. A good day to let the sea breeze fill my senses, and enjoy the love and friendship of two people with whom I am very close. 2 old friends, between us there are no secrets. So we can laugh and cry and help each other.

Blessed…so blessed.

Love and light, everyone.

 

 

 

 

8 responses to “Poor choices

  1. Thank you for mentioning me 🙂 And I love Brenee Brown! Time to revisit her TED talks, it’s been too long.

    This is so interesting and important: “It all stems from a feeling of unworthiness, a belief that he doesn’t really deserve love and belonging. So he sets himself up to fail, and to hurt people and then he can look at himself and say he was right, he doesn’t deserve it.” This is very selfish of them, and so unhealthy, but seems to be so true. My heart breaks for them (which is kind of weird to say after he fucked me over so royally, huh?). I also find it interesting that you (so strongly by the way) love him and can’t have him in your life, while I don’t love him but still consider having him in my life. So so strange, the experiences we never thought we’d have to live through.

    Your man in Florida will have killer blue eyes, and hopefully he’ll be a great dancer, too. Do we want him to have a six pack? 🙂 I should start dreaming up my own dream guy.

    • I think at my age, lol, a six pack would be a lot to ask for. But kind generous loving himself and the world would be enough. So enough. 😊. My ex husband also suffers from the belief that he’s not enough. Problem is, these men build a huge ego around this, which makes them think they are great for all the wrong reasons. Great because look at all the women they can fuck and fool. Look at how they can run someone else’s life into the ground. Well…. My experiences with both had me laying in the ground, batteries and bruised and bleeding. I learned how to get back up, and how to trust and how not to! And I think I’m armed now with the knowledge I need to have the real deal. 😊

      • Oh boy, the loving themselves for the wrong reasons… in the midst of all the sex addiction discovery, me deeply buried under the shit of betrayal trauma and trickle truth, we somehow talked about how we stopped having sex, even though we at some point told each other we would always have lots of sex. And he smirked at me and said: “at the beginning, sex was quite good though, wasn’t it? I was pretty good in bed, right?” I almost fall off my chair. I almost vomited. Seriously?? Are you fucking kidding me?? You are just slowly putting these blades through my heart and veins and flesh with uncovering betrayal after betrayal after betrayal, and you want me to reaffirm you used to be good in bed?? I could not believe what I was hearing.

  2. So happy that things are moving forward with the house and everything! You are right, these men/people can not love anything, not themselves and not others. As for choices, I am a bit torn there. As much as I have read on narcissism, I think that they do not really have a “choice” the way we do. What I mean is, the narcissism is so ingrained in them from early childhood and sometimes infancy, so to change themselves would be like a lion turning into a vegetarian. It could perhaps be done, but it is so unlikely that it is “almost impossible”. Through all the hundreds of stories and articles I have read about narcissism, I have only ever found one where a narcissist claimed he had changed, with the help of therapy. I believe people “in general” can change, but narcissists… not so much. Also, it is sort of a part of the disorder, that as soon as they get that rare moment of clarity, where they see their own cruelty, the denial/blame-shifting etc, sets in. We must remember that narcissism is a disorder, and therefore, they can not really “change”. It is like, I don’t know, to ask someone with schizofrenia to “change”. ( Although, a bit different, cause there are medicines for schizofrenia and not for narcissism). I have reached the conclusion that the only thing to do with a narcissist, is to walk away, to keep one’s own sanity. (I am very glad you have, too!!). Just saying all this because it used to annoy and frustrate me that the narcissist didnt make better choices. Until I realized one day, that he truly couldn’t – he was like a programmed robot. It is very tragic, but hopefully we will find men who CAN choose – and who choose love and caring. Hugs!!! 💜

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