Just a Few Thoughts

I have to go to work early today.  They fired someone Friday night, who did good work, but had too many personal problems, and missed way too much work because of it.  I have to start training her this morning, and I’m nowhere near done training the girl who’s replacing me.  It should be an interesting 5 or 6 weeks.  I’ll just do the best I can.  I knew this was going to happen, it’s why I told my boss back in the beginning of May what my plans were.

Am feeling pretty relaxed this morning, content.  I was flipping through channels last night and found Eat Pray Love on one, so watched it for like the 100th time, lol.  I really only caught the middle, at the ashram in India, but whenever I watch that something different strikes me.  Last night she said she was waiting for her ex husband to forgive her for leaving, and Richard told her to forgive herself.  I know that my ex hasn’t forgiven me, he still feels blindsided, however ridiculous that sounds.  But I have forgiven myself, a long time ago.  I had to leave to save myself, and more importantly my son, and I feel no guilt over it.  I do wish with all my heart he could see what led me to do it, I wish he could own his part in it and stand in  his story and forgive himself.  But he still sits in his shame and his pain, and locks himself away from others.

Scott was a different story, but I know also that he has a hard time acknowledging his own actions, and forgiving himself, and loving himself, and I only wish he could do that, and move to a more positive path.  He is staying away from me now, and that’s good for us both I think.  But even better would have been for us to stay friends, it would have been so much easier. Maybe some day.

After the last little go-round, which Betty got me involved in, I re-blocked her email, and instead of any communication going into a special folder it will just be discarded, so I will never see it or know of it.  Because I just cannot get involved in that triangle again.  I have my own issues that I’m dealing with around it, and I think it is asking too much of me for her to want me working in her behalf behind Scott’s back.  I wish her love and light too, but she needs to leave me alone, and deal with the distrust she has of him by herself.  She’ll never solve it externally.  He may be silent for a year, he may never talk to me again, but will he be faithful to her if I’m out of the picture?  Only she can answer that for herself, in a way in which she’s comfortable with it.  I know what I think, but it’s none of my business.

I texted Addie out in New Mexico the other day and told him I sold the house.  He didn’t respond til yesterday, but said he was super happy for me.  Just one sentence, but it’s nice we can remain friends.  I hope he’s still happy.  He tried to fill the hole his wife left when she died with me, and I hope that with his new woman he did not just try to fill the hole I left when I broke his heart.  I worry that he’s just filled hole after hole, instead of going within.  But he seems happy, and content.  I won’t judge.  Whatever he did out of need seems to be working for him.  He’s a good man.

I love in Eat Pray Love when she comes to the realization at the ashram that “God dwells within me, as me.”  I tend to forget that at times, but when I remember, most of the angst I have over all the big changes happening in my life, goes away, or at least calms to a manageable level.  The light will illuminate my path as I go through the coming days.  There isn’t really anything to worry about.

Love and light, all.



2 responses to “Just a Few Thoughts

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