The Hard Conversations

I’ve been trying to decide if I should tell my ex-husband that I’m moving. I rarely talk to him. I think it was maybe 3 months ago that we last talked. There’s the whole issue of my son as well, I will most likely have to tell him that my son is moving to CO if I tell him that I’m going to FL. I’d like my son to be the one to tell him, but I have my doubts that my son will. He has said he would talk to him before he goes, but he has said before that he would talk to him at Christmas, on his birthday, but never has.  It’s been 6 years since he last spoke to him.

I can’t blame him. His father was brutal emotionally to my son, and physically at the end. My son knows he’s sick, still…I can’t ask him to re-open old wounds that have not completely healed. I guess that I just think probably his father deserves to know, for no other reason than he’s his father.

His father is a sick man, we both know that. We know my ex is one very lost soul, that all the things he did were a sick man’s way of trying to keep us attached by force. I could go on about his illness, but it’s repetitive, I’ve written about him so many times.

I have thought, as I planned my move to Florida, “damn him. If he would have just worked, if he would have just not chosen to sink into alcoholism, if he could have loved instead of feared….we could have kept a home here and had one in Florida and remained a family.”

But there’s no point to that thought. We are here, we are not there. His choices were made, and still are made, and he is determined to continue on the path to self destruction. It breaks my heart, to see a man once so vital, and full of life, and successful at whatever he did, morphed into this sad lonely hermit living alone, with no one in his life, full of fear.

He’s a perfect example of someone whose family of origin never taught him that he is worthy of love and belonging, just because he exists.  His very successful family taught him that love was earned, not given, and could be taken away at any time.

I’ve tried with him, to show him a different way, but he still refuses to listen to me, no matter what I say. Just because a thought comes out of my mouth, he shuts it off. He is still all about power and control, and since he can’t have it with me, he refuses to listen to me. Yet…I know he remains tied to me in many ways. I know in his head, I am still his wife, just refusing to do things his way…..

I think of Marianne Williamson saying that relationships don’t end just because we are physically apart. I always thought of it in relationship to Scott, because he and I had, have, such an energetic connection. But it is also true of my ex. That relationship too, continues on other levels, even if we never speak.

Sad. So should I tell him? I guess I should. I guess the problem is it’s not a conversation I really want to have with him. It will be exhausting and I have so many emotionally exhausting things going on. I guess I have to dig down and find some love in my heart for the man, and do the right thing. Even if he never will. It’s always been on me to fix things in that relationship, to do what had to be done to move forward. Some things never change. This won’t fix anything, but I don’t think I’d feel right about disappearing off the face of the earth as far as he’s concerned. Or having my son do that.

Well, things to ponder. I have a little time to prepare myself for that difficult hard conversation. I always say I can do the hard conversations. This is one that I wish wasn’t necessary, because it’s not going to do anything but upset him, no matter what.

Love and light.

12 responses to “The Hard Conversations

  1. Why tell him? You’re divorced. Your son doesn’t speak to him. If you tell him are you prepared for the repercussions? I don’t think I agree that relationships don’t end just because we’re physically apart….actually…I KNOW it isn’t the case. Out of sight….out of mind.

        • Oh I won’t ever feel guilty. But if I didn’t tell him I might. this one is not so much a narc as a control freak sociopath. Scott was the narc. And he knows I’m going. Has for a long time. If he’d made different choices he might have come with me but he chose her, even tho he never let me go. Maybe he has now. Idk. At least for the time being.

          • I had to laugh….you’re not afraid of a “control freak sociopath?” The Loser puppet snarled at me “don’t think I can’t find you”…and I have to tell you….it was a little unsettling. The saving grace is that because the WTC hangs all over him like a cheap suit….I don’t think he’d be able to get loose enough to even try to find me.
            Does it ever cross your mind that Scott MIGHT follow you at some point?

          • Laurel I don’t know what happened to your last comment, but no… Not afraid of my ex. He’s a hermit now. Talks to no one, lives alone. He’s creepy but I’m not afraid of him.

            Yeah Scott may some day want to, but he won’t show up unwanted I don’t think. He’s never come to my house unannounced when I live close. Don’t see him trekking to FL unless he knows I want him there. And I won’t. He may ask if Betty gives him the boot. Who knows. I think he’s let go maybe. Time will tell.

  2. Just write him a letter.
    No need to open old wounds with conversations you don’t want to have. The letter is for informational use only should there be some medical, life-saving need to reach him or he you. Otherwise focus on being and staying emotionally well. Move on.

    Wishing you both the best on your individual moves. Hugs

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