I have been doing a 21 day meditation with Deepak Chopra and Oprah on becoming unstuck. Even though I have not felt particularly stuck, I find that his 21 day programs always give me something.
This morning, Oprah began with the quote about the rosebud finally opening when the fear of remaining tightly in a bud became greater than the fear of opening up. That kind of struck a chord with me.
I left my long marriage when the fear of staying became greater than the fear of leaving. It isn’t easy to walk away from everything you know, everything you have known for almost 40 years: a relationship, home, job, life….even my son at the time. But the fear was so great. The vision of my future was a black hole. I feared for my son’s life, if all he ever knew was the darkness so pervasive in that house. I had a wake up call one morning, and three weeks later I had a condo rented.
So I can relate to the rosebud.
I also felt that on not quite so large a scale a few weeks ago, the last time I talked to Scott. He had wanted to come see me, enough to call me and leave a dozen or so voice mails, and I finally called him back. Let me be honest and say that I would have loved to return to the days where we sat on my deck and talked for hours, and then…..did what we do. I know it would have happened. I was sure, am sure, that in the end, he would bring me great pain. The fear of the pain was much greater than the fear of never seeing him again. And so I said no.
I can live with that.
Change is hard. It is so easy to stay in our comfort zone with what we know, even if it’s not good. My marriage was not good for so long, years, yet I stayed. I stayed because I was committed, because my son was young, because I couldn’t see a way out. But eventually I had to find a way, when the fear of not changing became greater than the fear of change.
With Scott….it was different, but the same. I knew it wasn’t good, all last summer. Yet, the fear of letting go, was greater. So I hung in there, taking the scraps from his table. When I finally learned of the betrayal, I still was not emotionally ready to let go, and it took me really, until the last phone calls, a few weeks ago, about 9 months, to realize that I feared the pain he could bring more than I feared never feeling the joy of being with him again. So it was a change. A change in my perception. I think it speaks to why I say I still love him, always and all ways, but know I cannot have him in my life.
It is also why I am so grateful that I have the move to Florida planned, because I think the distance will make the pain of the loss fade. I still miss him, every day. I miss texting and talking to him, I miss his funny quirky sense of humor, and the way he made me happy I was a woman. But I don’t miss the fresh pain that an ongoing relationship with him brings constantly. The push and the pull that was the hallmark of our relationship. The insecurity. Better to love and let him go, and wish him well.
Change is so hard. I have chronicled so much of it here, and in other writing. It is the best way for me to deal with it, to put it on the page and let it work out the way that best serves.
So, like the rosebud, I move on. I’m changing my life in a great way at the moment. It’s the Physics of the Quest again. Leaving all that I know, seeing everyone as a teacher, trusting my instincts, my gut, and allowing it to unfold as it should. Not letting the fear get in the way of a rich full life.
Love and light, everyone.