This post is part of SoCS  https://lindaghill.com/2016/07/22/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-2316/

This is the first time I’ve EVER responded to a writing prompt….So I hope I’ve followed the instructions well.

Second….is the prompt.  Write about second.   Stream of consciousness.  Well here goes.

As in second place, second time, second choice, second, next to first. Second……

I know second place well, second choice well. I was in second place my whole marriage. Second to the cars, second to the boat, second to the business. My job was to be there, in the background, to keep things going. Make sure all the cogs were in the wheels, and all turning. I did my job well. Very well. He pretended he didn’t know I minded when I left. And I wouldn’t have, if I could have been first at some point. Just once in a blue moon, to know that me, our marriage, was important. Maybe when I was pregnant. Or about to deliver an 11 lb baby boy. Or maybe when I was the only one working, bringing in the only money our family had. Just once in a while. Maybe if I’d been even first in bed sometimes. Always his rules, his game. His control. His power. Idk. Just…you get tired of looking at someone’s ass all the time. Or something.

When I left him, he wasn’t even second on my list. He wasn’t on the list. I was over it. I wanted more.

So then my first relationship after that, I wasn’t first or second choice for a long time. We just were. There was no one else. Was I first then? I don’t know. I don’t care. It was good then. I fell in love with him, just being. Not caring who was in first or second place. It was just us, for a long time. Almost a year.

Then I fell in behind Betty, except I didn’t know it. Neither did she. Neither of us would have accepted that there was another one of us, had we known. But she was first. I was second. I was the one he ran to, when she wasn’t being nice to him, I think. Or maybe he just ran to me to keep me. He liked having a number one, and a number 2. He’d still have it if he could. He tried to keep me in his life, all along. On the edges, on the periphery. As number 2.

I finally gave up any hope that he would ever want me as first. I also began to see the perils of being the first. Not good. Not with a man who can lie and betray the way he can. You would never ever know. Second was the best choice with him. It allowed me to slip away, to move on with my life, to get out of the game. I think. I am not sure the story is ended yet. It hasn’t been long enough to be sure. But I’m moving, so I think that will enter into the game, and it will be over.

I won’t be second again, ever. I won’t be in the relationship if I don’t know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am first. And only. No more men who can’t love, no more men whose love is fraught with games, and dangers, and heartache and pain. No more seconds.

God this is hard, not to edit.

Then other second things. My house in Florida was the second house I looked at. I wasn’t even looking to buy, but it was perfect. Exactly what I wanted, what I dreamed of. I am the second daughter of a man and woman who loved each other and us, and nurtured love between us. My older sister made it possible for me to buy that house, that perfect little Florida bungalow in the town we both loved, close to friends, and close to each other. So being second worked out well for me as a sister. The middle sister.

There is a wine called The Middle Sister. It’s pretty good. It says on the label if you are the middle sister you have much more chance of having a wine named for you. Does anyone know if there is a Deborah wine? Or Debbie? But I like that there is a wine celebrating middle sisters. Although it could be one of 5 or 7…not necessarily 3. Still…..I like it.

I saw my second hummingbird today, in my lavender. I had my second sighting of deer in my yard this morning. I have been living my second life, as an adult. My post divorce life. It has been wonderful. Even with all the drama around that second relationship, this second life has been amazing. I wouldn’t trade it. I am about to start the third leg of the journey. I don’t know how long it will last. I don’t know what will be in store for me. I do know that I begin it much wiser, much smarter, much more full of love than I did my second. I know that the lessons of my second life will be important to me, to have a spectacular third life. I know my friends from my second life will join me in my third.

So my stream of consciousness goes back to that relationship…the one that I’m second in. And still, I think at times, like this morning, when I was changing the sheets on my bed, that maybe I should text him. Maybe I should say, “I miss you so much. Come see me.” For like a nano-second. Then I say, yes…so you can be second again. So if he comes, and you know he will run back to her and tell her so she’ll be jealous, and want him again, do you want to be part of that? Do you want the pain that he can bring, even if you miss him? Which is easier.

It’s easier to miss him. Always, it’s easier to miss the man, than to be with him.

So, seconds. They can be a measurement of time. Like, the second that I found out my ex was hiding an extreme huge amount of money from me, making us live like paupers. Like the second that I found my power in the divorce proceedings. Like the second the Supreme Court released its decision, calling him unconscionable. Like the second I walked on our boat and knew I wanted it. Like the second I walked in my house, the one I’m selling and fell in love with it because it was so full of light. It has been such a joy living here. The skylights fill the house with silvery light when there’s a full moon. It’s nothing short of spectacular in a very muted way. The second I first heard Beth Hart and Joe Buonamassa, and fell in love with their music.

There are so many seconds, nano-seconds that change our life. The seconds make being second inconsequential. For both men to choose me second was their loss. Their first loves will never love them in the uncommon and extraordinary way I did. Because I love love. I love being in love. I love extending love. And if they ever want some, they will have to step up to the plate. Never say never. But I think there is someone in Florida who is ready, willing, and able to step up and put me first.

Love and light.