On Going Deep

Everything goes deep with me. I don’t know why. I can lighten up, when I’m with people who don’t want to go that deep, but I always want to go deep. I want to find the very root of everything, and see how it bloomed.

I loved a man who used to say all the time, “Why don’t you just let it be?” It was like his theme song with me, Let it Be. He would laugh at me, and tell me, “There will be an answer, Deb….” But I had, have, an insatiable need to know the whole story, to see the whole picture.

An aside, one night while I was waiting for him, on the deck in my “sacred space” I was listening to music on Pandora. The song “Let it Be” came on. I immediately thought, “Oh, he must be here.” And turned around and he was on the steps behind me. I would say, coincidence, except I know there are none. It’s just the kind of connection we had.

I was way too deep for him, lol. Even though he was capable, and at times took me deep, he didn’t really want to share himself that deeply. Uncovering the layers of his pain was too scary for him. So much fear of being seen. But I saw him, I see most people. I still see him, even though I never see him. He knows I know. He stays away. I haven’t figured out yet how to really break that connection completely, but it’s stretched thin enough that for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

Once in awhile, like yesterday, it pulls at me strongly. Today, it’s just an undercurrent, I can let it be, let it go, today.

What is deep? I think I want to know my soul, and the soul of everyone else in my life. I see my son’s soul most of the time. There is still a little niggle there, wondering why his father treated him the way he did. But he can work through it, knowing what I taught him, that he has value because he exists. He has a right to love and belonging, and just because his dad was incapable of imparting it to him, doesn’t make it any less true. It was his fathers defect. Not his.

It was his fathers defect that he couldn’t love me either, and couldn’t allow me to feel the safety and security of true love. But I’ve known it before, I will know it again.

Deep. I needed to understand his father. I needed to understand Scott. I need to understand where my son is on an ongoing basis. I need to understand my sisters, my friends. I needed to understand my mother. My sisters and I, especially my older sister, couldn’t understand why Mom had to live such a hard life for 18 months. I went to the medium, and the medium told me she needed to learn to receive. Which made total sense. She was always giving, giving, giving. Her chair, lol, her food, her money, her heart. Never asking for anything in return. I knew that her staying here for those 18 months was the choice her soul made, and knowing why….what lesson there was for her in it, made it so much easier for me, and for my sisters. I told them both when we buried Mom.

I will search out reasons. Believing that the purpose of this life is to learn our lessons and evolve our souls, every time I have come out of a relationship, I have looked for the lesson. I have learned that the harder the lesson is to learn, the more valuable. With my ex, I learned the power of unconditional love. With Scott, I learned about trust, what creates it between 2 people, and what destroys it. What gives us false senses of security with other people, how easy it is to trust for the wrong reasons, and let the small seemingly insignificant betrayals go, ignoring them. I’m going to learn from my mother, and learn how to receive, now. I think it is a gift to have seen her pain in learning, it is a gift to me, to know that receiving is something just as wonderful as giving.

I wish I could see the lesson my ex learned. I cannot. He has retreated into oblivion. As far as I can see, he has chosen not to learn his lessons in this lifetime. Scott…..I hope I gave him a glimmer of what unconditional love is. It’s not his comfort zone, and he won’t stay there, but I hope it’s one of those things for him that he can’t un-know. That he will have to always go back to the idea that it’s possible, and that I gave it to him, and still do. I hope some day it is a comfort to him, not a burden.

I guess, I just don’t see a purpose in a shallow life. And trust me, at times I feel so shallow. I know there is so much more beneath what I have learned. I am sure I’ve just barely scratched the surface, but I’m trying to break through, to fill my lungs with air and dive. I know that the depths are full of amazing things, and each revelation is another light beam on the path.

Onward. I have a lot to do today. It’s time I get it underway.

Love and light, all.

2 responses to “On Going Deep

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