I was just looking for an email in my trash. It was from the B & B where I made a reservation to stay for my niece’s wedding. I sorted the mail alphabetically, to make it easier to find.  I needed to cancel the reservation.

I didn’t find it. But I did find an email from Scott….from December of 2014. We’d been seeing each other for just over 6 months. A lot. He was responding to me. Telling me that I had not made a fool of myself, (for what I have no idea, but I thought I had, made one of myself.) He said he was making a project for me on swordfishing. And that he missed me.

Geezus.

It was before the days of Betty Boop. When she was still completely out of his life.

Fuck. I wish I hadn’t see that. And wish I hadn’t clicked on it out of curiosity when I saw it. I wish my email didn’t hold the trash for 2 years. I had no idea.

I never got the thing on swordfishing. I was genuinely interested, he did that back when they had a little basket on a mast and someone had to keep an eye out for the swordfish from up there. Before the long liners, back when they had to harpoon each fish individually. That was his job, for awhile, to spot the fish and direct the boat. It is one of the most important jobs on the boat as I recall. I loved that he worked and loved a job that kept him at sea. I love anything to do with the ocean. He knew I loved the sea like he did.

I wondered briefly if he misses me now. For some reason, I think so. I miss the guy who wrote that email. I don’t miss the guy who called me the c-word on this blog. I don’t miss the guy who is capable of lying out of both sides of his mouth, denying that we ever meant anything to each other. But who he was before she showed back up, when he chose to be that lying cheating SOB….I miss that man.

This will pass. Just a brief stumble.

Love and light, all.