Words not coming easily this morning. Life in flux, wanting to cling to the old life, while the new life knocks on my door. I planned the new life meticulously. I want it. I’m also afraid for it to come.
Change. So much change.
I went out with my bff last night to hear her husband’s band play at the place on the lake that’s out doors. I expected maybe 10 or so friends, but as it turned out it was more like 40. Mostly her family, who are family to me. They’ve included me in so many holidays, and birthdays, and wonderful events. I’ve no family except my son here, so her family became mine. It was good to see them, before I move. But also so many goodbyes, and people I might not see again.
I have had that on my mind now, all weekend, well longer to be truthful. All the people who I won’t see again. And of course, S…..I guess as long as I was here, there was a chance I might see him again, if he was ever free of her. But in moving, it is unlikely, and I really have to let go. I know he’ll cling to her more, without another option. I know all the bad things he is, yet I also know the good, and I miss him, every day, still.
That’s what was causing my free-fall yesterday. My friends caught me mid-air, and kept me from crashing face first onto a brutal landscape. I am so grateful for these people in my life. Maybe I need to go have a good cry for myself.
I have to get on with the business of downsizing my life. I have to let go of the things that have not served me well. I sold my deck furniture yesterday They are coming back today or tomorrow to pick it up. My sacred space will no longer have a table and chairs for me to sit with my morning coffee, and do my meditation. Until I get to my new home, and buy some furniture for that deck.
Transition. Change. It’s all hard. At 65 I am ready to be settled once again. I know I will be, in a place that will make me very happy. But the next 6 weeks are going to be very difficult, as I let go of a good lilfe here, for what I believe will be a better life there.
Maybe I need to go have a good cry for myself. Release the attachment. Let the love take over and the gratitude. I am so far from the dark place I was in 10 years ago, when I was plotting a way to be free of my ex. My life has manifested in wonderful and amazing ways. I need to trust it will continue to do so. And that it will do this for my son also.
Onward…The only direction possible.
Love and light to all.