Talk about getting triggered.
Normally my very rare conversations with my ex are short. A few minutes. Last night he talked and talked, for 20 minutes. 20 minutes trying to rewrite history.
I woke in the middle of the night, remembering. I couldn’t get back to sleep, revisiting the hell-hole that was marriage to that man. So I wrote the poem, Too Close, on my phone in the middle of the night. I finally got back to sleep. And hope I’m done with that little foray into the past. There’s still some PTSD left from him. It only rears its head when I have to deal with him.
I hope I don’t ever need to go there again.
I’m really glad we are not going to the wedding of his niece this weekend. I can’t imagine how hard that would have been. I forget when I am not around him. Don’t have to talk to him. At least I didn’t get drawn into some argument with him. Let him think whatever he wants to think. Let him rewrite history to make himself feel better, to take the blame off of himself.
I talked to my son about him, and son just can’t go there. Just can’t do it. He knows what his father will trigger in him. Not thinking that rift will ever heal, because his father will never acknowledge what he did to my son.
It certainly isn’t just S’s betrayal that I will be healing from in Avalon though. I’ll be 1500 miles away from my ex, and hopefully that distance is sufficient. S…..what he did was not so pre-meditated, nor systematic. He flies by the seat of his pants and makes bad decisions because he has an inability to see the bigger picture, and a real inability to discern right from wrong. He is such a narcissist, “right” for him is what he wants. No matter what it does to someone else. He loves walking the edge, wondering if and when his footing will give way and he’ll be tumbling into the abyss again. That’s as pathetic as my ex, though, and I’m just glad I only had 18 months of it to recover from, not years and years. I just wish I didn’t still feel the energetic connection with him, but I do. Strong as ever. I’m learning how to ignore it.
In other news, I’m taking my car into the shop this morning to have them make sure it’s up for a 1500 mile trip. I have feeling it will need brakes. The car has 80,000 miles and the original brakes. They aren’t making any noise, but still…that’s a lot of miles for brakes.
I sent out my retirement announcement at work yesterday to customers and vendors and colleagues. It felt weird, just really really weird.
My friend who’s driving with me to FL is coming over on Thursday night, so we can plan our trip a little. She is 20 years younger than me. She keeps saying we can drive straight through from my sisters in VA, that she’ll drive. But it’s about 15 hours from there, I don’t think I want to do that. We’d get there so late at night. I’ll talk her out of it, lol.
So all is well. I survived the interaction with my ex. So much to do. Onward…..
Love and light.