Last night I tried and tried to write a blog, but couldn’t come up with a coherent thought, or anything I thought was even interesting. Who wants to hear about me going to the grocery store and how they didn’t have siracha sauce. That’s a pretty pathetic subject matter, lol. I gave up the quest to write, and went to bed.
This morning, I’ve been looking at the old posts that people read overnight. Some from a year ago. I suppose they showed up in someone’s feed as additional posts, at the bottom of the page. In this particular post, I was trying to make sense of a terrible emotional upheaval, and was trusting that the universe was working in my behalf.
Because, I believe in the end it does. In the end it will bring you to where you need to be to learn the lessons you’re supposed to learn. Of course, choosing to learn them or not, is still our prerogative. I still don’t know if I’ve learned the lesson that was in front of me then well enough. Or if I even learned the right lesson, for that matter. Matters of the heart are so hard to decipher.
But I do know, and truly believe, that the drastic changes in my life of the last few months have been good for me. I believe that the universe was on it, for me. I found this house quite by accident. My sister jumped to the plate and loaned me the money if I really wanted it, until I could sell my house. It closed on my birthday, again quite by accident. But that was surely a sign, wasn’t it?
The whole selling of my old house in CT was so stressful. I lost a lot of money on it. Packing it up, moving my son, who really did not want to move, to Colorado, retiring and training my replacement during all this meant longer and more stressful work hours. And then all the driving. Add to that, leaving a place I’d lived for over 40 years, and all the people who had shared all my experiences with me. People I miss so much.
And, since I’ve been here, getting the house the way I want it, which won’t be completed for a long time. And let’s not forget the accident, just throw in there the loss of my car, and having to shop for a new car under pressure.
So….there must have been another lesson in all that, right? To learn to plug away at the what we want. To continue to forge ahead to achieve the life we want. I used to say, during my long contentious divorce, that I couldn’t look at the big picture. I could only focus on the next task at hand. I had the big picture in the background, but only as an overview. I didn’t sweat it too much. I had to focus on getting what was mine, and mostly on saving my son. On the next court date. We had one once a month almost, for 18 months. Then a 3 day trial. Then an appeal. Then a Supreme Court hearing. It seemed never ending. One day at a time was the only way to get through it.
I’ve used the same tactics to move here. I just dealt with the next thing, and didn’t try to get out into the big picture too much. It was too overwhelming. I knew the hardest thing would be to leave my son in Colorado, and it was, and it is. I miss him so much. But he’s finding his way, and I think now, he’s happy he did it. I’m pleased to see him flying on his own. And proud too, at his success.
Since I’ve been here, I think also the universe has been giving me what I dreamed of. A life rich in experience, close to the sea that I love so much, new people that have welcomed me into their lives. It is what I dreamed of, when I made a dream of how I wanted to retire. I’ve kept my old friends close, by phone, by text, by facebook, by email. I don’t feel now, that I’ve lost anything, but have gained so much.
Retirement is wonderful. I don’t feel old enough to say I’m retired, lol. But I love not having to stop writing in the morning, because it’s time to get in the shower. I love being able to decide each day how I want to spend it. I still have to have a big picture of the things I need to get done, but now I can work at them at my leisure, instead of under pressure.
I guess what I’m saying is that even when times are really tough, there is always some productive stuff going on too. We are always being given a lesson to learn, and sometimes it’s a hard lesson. I know when I moved here, I prayed and prayed that my days of hard lessons were over. I just want easy ones for this last quarter of my life. So far…..it seems that’s what’s happening. Although it’s a short time to assess the whole truth, I’ve only been here a month. Accident notwithstanding, it’s been an amazing ride, since I landed here. I feel like I’m living a charmed life. I’ve not come upon the love of my life, yet, at least not to my knowledge. But I’m trusting the universe to bring that to me, and really, in the meantime, I am just enjoying all the things it has brought to me, that make my life a good one. We can’t see the future, all we can do is live the present so that our future takes care of itself.
So today, I have the artwalk in town with my friends. I think there’s a fresh market somewhere where I can maybe get some better produce than was available at the store. We also have the jazz festival, and the after party at which my friend is gonna sing and jam with her old jazz friends from the days she did it professionally.
That’s the universe, at work, to bring all that good stuff my way. I trust it will continue. I’ve given up attachment to the outcome, and am determined to let life happen as it will. So far, that seems to be working.
Love and light, all.