Changes Underway? Maybe?

Sitting on my deck, yes, under the tree. Leaves are falling at an alarming clip, as if it’s perhaps autumn here. Except almost all of the leaves still on the tree are green still. I’m on my 2nd glass of wine, and have had about 5 hits off a joint. I don’t mean to alarm you by my smoking. I do it on occasion, this is the first time in a week. But at times, it just helps me get out of a bad place to a good one, or at least a complacent one. Complacent seems to be a decent compromise at the moment.

They brought my washer and dryer, and took it back for redelivery. Apparently I needed a 220V plug in the laundry room, for the dryer, not just the 120V, which is what I thought based on the specs online. So I called my handyman Don. He said he’ll see if he can get someone licensed to put in a breaker for 220V and then he can run the line and put in the outlet. So maybe 2 weeks from now I will have a washer and dryer for real. So friggin aggravated by this. Been here 2 ½ months and still trying to get a washer/dryer installed. GRRRRR.

I had some kind of weird dreams last night. First I dreamed that my hair color was changed to black, and had a spray of red on the top. I was angry about the red, but didn’t seem to notice the black. My hair is almost blond, from highlights. I was yelling at people, wanting to know who put the red in my hair. says that to see hair is symbolic of sexual virility, seduction, sensuality, vanity, and health. A drastic change in my hair is symbolic of taking a drastic new approach. Seeing yourself as a redhead means that I need spontaneity and vitality in my life. That it’s time to make a drastic change.

Dreammoods also says that anger is frustrations and disappointments in myself, and that I’m suppressing anger in real life if I’m dreaming about it.

Seems combined with the drastic hair change, that I’m getting a loud and clear message, even if I was pissed off about it, lol. And apparently I have some anger issues to work through. Thus the smoking of a few puffs of a joint.

Then I had another dream. I dreamed I saw a cow. It was ready to be butchered, and actually it’s hind quarters were skinned. I was supposed to now butcher it. I refused. (Seems to be something I do quite often, refused to do what my dream says to do.) I know the visual is disgusting, and I’m sorry.

Dreammoods says that seeing cattle in your dreams means to proceed with caution in a situation or relationship. Although “cattle” would signify more than one to me, in dreammoods, they have a separate paragraph for “herd of cattle”. So I am including this, because I think it can be singular too. But just in case, I looked up cow. Dreammoods says that a cow is about having passive and docile nature, to obey without question. Maybe maternal instincts.

I never thought of myself as passive and docile, but yes, in some situations I am. For some people, I will do anything to please them, and put a smile on their face.

Now the butcher part. To see yourself as a butcher is about pent up anger and hostility. But note, I refused to do it. I was horrified by the idea in my dream, enough that it woke me up. So what does that mean? I would have to say, that even if I have anger and hostility, I manage to not take it out on someone else. Vehemently. I do not want to upset others with my anger. Which is why today, after they couldn’t install my washer and dryer I took a nice long walk on the beach. Then came home and smoked and had some wine, and wrote this blog, after I read a book for about an hour.

The beach walk was nice. I did 1.5 miles. I sat at the end of the pier and since I had it to myself, tried to just go within for a few minutes, and remember what it is I want from my life and who I am. It was a good thing to do. It strengthened my resolve, and now that I’ve looked up the dreams, think it was helpful in working toward the drastic change that I am apparently making.

Well, yes of course. I am 1500 miles from everything I know, everyone I know save a very few. Away from my beloved son too. Yes, that’s a drastic change, but the changes are still in the making. The repercussions of moving so far away will be felt for a long time, I am sure.

My anger and hostility have subsided, for the moment. I read the other day though, that if there is THC in your system, you won’t dream, and that is something we need to do. Which I did last night, when I had no THC or even Ambien. So I’ll keep the smoking down to a small amount very, very occasionally. I slept ok last night with no Ambien. I woke every two hours, but was able to go back to sleep within minutes. That’s a good thing. I hope I can do it again tonight.

I have a date tomorrow, a meet and greet at Panera Bread. I have messaged with this man quite a bit, and we’ve spoken on the phone a few times. So far, he’s thrown no red flags at me, but we’ll see. I’m excited and tentative. He’s nice looking by his pictures, which he says are recent, and he’ll look just like them. The important thing is, he’s nice on the phone. Kind, considerate, fun-loving. He said he’s glad to know someone who is newer than him down here, he’s been here a month longer than me. But we will see if there’s any attraction in person.

Gosh I got a lot of stuff out of me in this blog! LOL. Love and light everyone.


3 responses to “Changes Underway? Maybe?

  1. Good for you for refusing to be the butcher! I’d love to add a happy ending to that dream where you change into your superhero persona and use your superpower to help the cow grow skin back, but the new skin is purple. Then you and the cow fly off into the sunset. So begin your Adventures with Wonder Cow! Hey, it’s a dream, so anything can happen! (It’s possible that I’ve been awake too long.)

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