Why?

Why, now that I am meeting new people, now that I am loving my life, and now that I have others coming into my life, does he still take so much of my headspace? Why do I wonder if he’s ok? If he’s happy? If he misses me? If he died, I would never find out. Silence is like death. Death though, is permanent. It might be easier to deal with.

Why, when any communication on an earthly level never lead to anything. Except more longing, or more anger, or more pain. I say earthly level, because I still feel like I can feel him. I feel like I know in an abstract way how he’s doing. Even though it’s been a long time since we communicated at all. We used to communicate non-verbally all the time. We probably still do on some level. At least he’s stayed out of my dreams. Those are hard, those real, kind of astral travel, dreams, where you wake up sure he is there with you, his scent and the heat of his body still palpable in the dark.

Why, when I’m out on the deck, under the banyan, and the breeze is gently lifting the palm fronds, do I first think of him? And then, second, I remember the pain of being second all the time, how he disappears, how he used me. And third, I imagine a new man sitting out there with me, laughing, touching my hand, or my cheek. But that’s always last. It’s always a conscious effort to erase the original thoughts of him that just come without bidding.

Maybe, someday it will be someone else whose face I see, someone else whose eyes mesmerize me. Someone who will try hard not to ever hurt me. Someone who can love me the way I can love. I remain hopeful.

I just wish….that it wasn’t his face that pops into my head all the time. That I didn’t think of him when I lay down hoping sleep will come easily for a change.

Mercury retrograde be damned. Backsliding with the reversal of the energy. I hate this. I’ll get over it. Just writing it out, trying to release it to the universe, expel it from my psyche.

I guess, right now, it’s still love always and all ways. Shit.

Love and light.

7 responses to “Why?

  1. I think a lot of of times subconsciously our thoughts return to what causes us pain as I think in a sick way it enjoys it, even if our conscious thoughts know that it wasn’t good. I’ve learned the best way after reading the Untethered Soul, very instrumental on getting my head to knock of the nonsense that kept pulling me into the same drama loop….it works nicely and I feel more balanced, as soon as I became aware of where the thoughts were moving to, switched to something beautiful and positive…it did shut off the valve after awhile and it only tries to turn itself on once in awhile now….I need to be happy, and dwelling on the past wasn’t helping me be that…..not sure if this helps or not….peace and love, K

    • That’s a wonderful book, read it about a year ago. Yes, I do make a conscious effort to go to something happy and positive when I find myself going there. Writing it out helps too, observing the feelings. And then letting them kind of dissipate. Thanks so much.

  2. Maybe it’s like when you travel the same road over and over again for years, it becomes automatic – the easiest pathway to take in your brain. Like when I used to work 5 days a week and found myself taking the road to work on the weekend. But as you redirect your thinking to new pathways, the old one will become overgrown and beautiful new paths will open up.

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