I’m thinking this morning, pondering, the question of whether or not I tell GG about the blog when we meet today. I don’t keep secrets about myself well. The blog is a huge part of my life. But I also know he would want to read it, and I’m not sure I am ready for him, in fact I know I’m not, to know how much I was hurt by my last relationship. I think it would be detrimental to the growth of a relationship with him. Nor do I want to tell him about the blog, but refuse to give him the link, that just seems so childish.
I’m really looking just to build a foundation with him today, not to tell him the ugly sordid tales of my past. I can brush over them, and have, in the briefest of ways. I don’t want to get into it too much more than that for now.
We have not really discussed how much I write. We’ve talked more about the jewelry making, and Reiki practice. I will tell him I write…obsessively, lol. But I think I learned the lesson from S, how much trouble the blog can cause a relationship. Although, the trouble with S was how he treated me, and him not liking to see that stuff published. I feel sure that kind of stuff won’t be present in a relationship with GG, if there is one.
I suppose that if our relationship progresses I can tell him later, and tell him then why I was hesitant to let him know. When I dated Addison, I didn’t tell him for a very long time, not until he was gone and on his road trip. Of course a big difference was that I was never IN love with Addison. I loved him, but could not fall IN love with him, even though I tried. He did not ask for the link, because I told him that it was an anonymous thing, and that no one who knew me had the link to it. Which was basically true. S was the only person I gave the link to, and it caused endless problems for us. And peripherally, for him, when he let the gf know about it. But that was his problem. My problem was how much he hated that I exposed him. I didn’t start writing regularly until I was with S, come to think of it. He just gave me so much stuff that I had to work through, and that’s how I do it.
I’ve seen no sign of the issues I had with S, with GG. None. He kind of wears his heart on his sleeve. He doesn’t seem to hold his cards too close to his chest. I’ll know better after today. I am pretty sensitive to the signs of a dysfunctional relationship now. Seems like a guy who talks about including you in his life, and has lots of friends and family, and loves life and laughing, is not a game player. Not like S…. I still think S only feels love if someone is crying over him.
I loved that GG planned this day, and said, “We can spend the whole afternoon together.” Like he was excited about it.
So I guess the best decision I can make in this moment is only to tell him that I write, the kinds of things I write, just not that it is published. I will tell him, if our relationship grows.
I wrote a post about a year ago, called Braving Trust, ( https://learningtolivelikewaterblog.com/2015/11/28/braving-trust/ ) based on Brene Brown’s talk on The Anatomy of Trust. Then, I filtered my relationship with S through it. But I also learned how people should earn trust. One thing I learned is, you trust people who have filled your marble jar with small seemingly insignificant things that make you know you can trust them. It’s not the big things, it’s the small every day occurrences that build trust. I trusted S for all the wrong reasons and he broke my heart a hundred times.
GG has already started trying to earn my trust, and I his. I’m gonna let that happen before I throw anything as big as my blog at him to deal with. If it even happens. I know I’m talking like it will, for sure. And I don’t know, we may not like each other so much when we meet. Just saying, we can talk on the phone for an hour and a half, he happily calls me a couple times a day. The possibilities are palpable. I’m hopeful, really hopeful, this time. With this guy.
Thank you all for sitting with me while I work this out, lol. It was a good exercise, regardless of how this turns out with GG, because it’s a question I now have the answer to for future reference. If GG and I don’t get to the place where I think he needs to know about the blog, it will happen with someone else.
Love and light.