I am realizing that I am gunshy, very much tentative, regarding a relationship. Even though I’d love to have someone in my life, I am also deathly afraid of being devastated again. The dichotomy of these two things is wreaking havoc with my sleep, and my balance.
Yesterday, I had a date with a nice looking, very kind and loving man. A good man. Yet I can feel myself hold back, and it’s not him, it’s me. I’m just fucking afraid of getting hurt. Thanks Scott. You have really fucked with me, like I told you. And I know it gives you a great deal of satisfaction.
Note the latent anger in those last two sentences. Because realizing this makes me angry, that I have to even deal with it. I want my own power back.
But I do have to deal with it. I’m going to start working on this. This morning during my meditation I also did self reiki on my heart chakra, to open it, and my solar plexus, to deal with the fear demon.
I can see a faint path visible when I close my eyes, to loving someone. It’s faint, and I think I have to walk down it very carefully. Very mindfully. Noticing the whole landscape, the whole big picture. But I won’t shy away from it, and remain alone out of fear. I just refuse to allow that to happen to me.
I got a lovely text from GG this morning, and tried to respond similarly. He’s not had an easy life either, but it didn’t turn him into a narcissist. Quite the opposite. Instead of game playing with people’s lives, he has a huge circle of friends and family, and loves them all dearly. Funny how the same situation can result in two completely different reactions from two different people.
I’ve always said, and it’s been true, that I wear my heart on my sleeve. People know how I feel about them. Yet….I feel myself, with GG, holding back. Perhaps I’m just braving trust, finding out what the boundaries are, seeing if he’s reliable, and accountable before I get too involved. Funny, I talked about my marriage and my ex with him yesterday. Not about S, not at all. I think there are many reasons, but the biggest one is it feels too personal yet, and too much like baggage that I am still carrying around.
I’m going to go to open mic tonight. I’m going to be myself, and love the world, as is my way. Try to add to people’s lives, not take from them. If the keyboard player shows up….well he shows up. Maybe we’ll talk more, who knows. I’m not fretting about it. He’s in town a lot, there are many opportunities to connect.
I’m going to try to just forget about it all for the next few days, while I’m with my sister and brother-in-law. It’s easy when I’m with them. I’m happy to have a break from my own head And I’ll stay in touch with GG, while I’m gone. Because he is such a decent man.
Pondering this morning, trying to work it all out, so I can be the woman I know I am.
Love and light.