As much as I’ve written, longed for, obsessed about, finding love in my life, tonight I’m not sure I want this. I am rethinking.
I had a nice date today. We saw about 50 manatee, across the small bay. I was the first to sight them, as the sun came out of the clouds and all of a sudden there were what looked like logs over by where the warm water came out of the power plant. They were the backs of manatee sunning themselves. We saw one swimming down the middle of the channel.
Tim kept lamenting that it was not bright sunny. It was nice enough, about 78, and some sun and some clouds. He also kept lamenting that we didn’t see a manatee up close. He wanted it perfect. He is trying so so hard to impress me, to “sweep me off my feet” in his words. I don’t want to be swept, I want to fall in love with someone based on who they really are. When I see him, when he’s not trying, I really like him.
After the manatee, we stopped and got a Subway sandwich and he took me to a park on the water in the backwaters of Tampa Bay. A lovely park. We sat at a picnic table and could see the mangrove forest, it really was, and families picnicking, people out in kayacks and canoes. Still he kept being upset it was not sunny and was windy.
We came back to my house where we sat and talked for about an hour. Then I like him, when we are talking about our lives, getting to know each other. He is dying for intimacy, I am totally not feeling it yet. He told me why he thought he likes me so much, that I am a blend of the two women he’s loved in his life. I told him why I am so cautious. I said, well, you don’t want to be like either of the men I loved. My ex….puhleez. Enough said. Abusive asshole. Then I told him how my heart had been just decimated by a game player. I gave him plenty of information about that relationship, about the end of it again, a short time ago. I also told him I don’t think I have any serious baggage from any of it, except that now I am very cautious about giving my heart away, and how I need to feel real connection to be intimate. He doesn’t push, even though I knew he wanted more than a kiss, and hand holding while we talked.
He left, and I was relieved. Relieved to have my house to myself again, after 3 days of having company, and then being with him all day. I need some time to myself. I was glad he was going home because I cannot match his intensity of desire. Echoes of my relationship with Addie, but not nearly as needy. And I wondered, do I really want someone in my life? I find something wrong with everyone that I date, some reason why I don’t want to continue. I am at least looking for things I like here. But I’m not sure what’s up with me. Maybe I’m just looking to replace something that never was real anyway, and maybe I should just leave well enough alone. Maybe I just miss that intense physical attraction, connection. I’d like to feel that with a man who isn’t renowned for breaking my heart.
I guess I’m just going to continue to take it slow with him. He seems ok with it. I’m not closing my options down at this point. I am thinking I might send him an email and lovingly explain to him where I am a little better than I did today. Just continue the conversation.
I guess there are worse problems, lol, than a guy who is crazy about you, that you like, but aren’t crazy about. I guess I should get over myself, lol. And I guess that’s why I’m having a glass of wine and eating pretzels (gluten free, lol) while I type this.
Love and light everyone.