It’s been a strange day.
I’ve emailed the friend that I deleted, entirely, the other day. Because I can’t stand for things to end ugly. We promised no matter what happened, we’d stay friends. I may have severely tested that, and so has he. I had him blocked because I was on overload, and it got ugly, but have unblocked him, thinking that maybe he needs to talk about it. Idk if he’s blocked me or not, but I just want to be there for him if he needs me to be. I ask that I not be judged for this. I have to do it.
I was wishing that I had family around today. I am deep into, apparently, settling out emotions from the really unbelievable week. As I was deep in the wish, my ex’s cousin called, as if she’d heard me. She is not blood family, to me, but she has known me all my adult life and she listens. She listens, which I totally needed someone to do. She offers no advice, because she knows there is none to give, and I love her for it. She has her issues too, and I tried, I think successfully, to lend an ear to her.
I made some banana cookies. My sis gave me the recipe. Two ripe bananas, smashed up. A cup of quick oats, and add chocolate chips and walnuts (if you want.) You can use raisins too, if you want, or instead of the chocolate chips and walnuts. Whatever you want. Mini-chips if you add them. Bake at 350 for 15 min. They are so good. Gluten free and no added sugar. Makes about 16 cookies.
I am trying to work on the pendants my sculptor friend gave me. Trying to wrap the wire around the outside and glue it to the pendant so it doesn’t come off. I got that done, and glued in place, and had to hold it in place for about 10 minutes at a drop. While I was waiting for the glue to dry, I decided that I needed some wine, and am binge watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix. It’s so hilarious, and I’m on my 2nd glass of wine.
I knew I needed to ge productive doing something besides exploring and settling my emotions out by writing today. I needed a break from it. From my friend, from my ex. I needed someone who understood the depth to which all the alocoholism of two men, paranoid delusions involving me, and my son, my friend whom I love still, my niece who is my godchild’s illness, how deeply all of those things affect me. I need to laugh, to stop myself from crying.
Why has it been my place to deal with it all? I have no idea. I suppose that there is a lesson here, like every other traumatic thing I’ve gone through. I suppose I will at some point, figure out what it is. Right now, I’m gonna let the universe drive the train, and bring me to the conclusion when it’s time for me to understand.
Till then thank God for Grace and Frankie, lol. And red wine. And people who will listen. And love me anyway.
Love and light…..
Do what you need to dim feeling is better than not feeling I think even when it gets very heavy. Some of this…. You can feel, then let it ebb away- like a meditation. Your ex and his state is scary. But its not your weight entirely anymore. So let it drift if you can. Let it be flotsam next to your bouy of worry- it can be close. It can be within reach so you can push it further away or get involved if its dragging in your son. But dont shoulder it all. He isn’t yours. You aren’t his. You’re allowed to just think on it, not own it.
But I am a bystander. I just want you above water.
Thanks so much for this. I am drifting farther with each day. It would probably be easier if I were not the hospitals only available contact. But it is what it is. He’s their problem to deal with, not mine, and I’m beginning to get some emotional distance. The friend issue is also tough, but that too is drifting away. Tomorrow I get to talk to a therapist, I think that will help me immensely. It just sent me for a loop, all happening at once. xx