Sunday Retro / Intro Spection

My internet has decided to run exceedingly slow this morning. It’s making me crazy. I’ve shut down and rebooted 3 times, to no avail. Grrrrr. FB is slow, my email is slower. The only site that loaded normally was WP. I usually have two browsers open, Firefox and Chrome, and they are both running so slow.

My sis was here for a couple of days and that was really nice. I needed some family time, someone to whom I didn’t need to explain everything about myself to. Even though she doesn’t quite get the whole picture. She had her own health issues last week, which are seeming to resolve this weekend. We went to the play my friend is in, (my 2nd time) on Friday night. Saturday morning we went over to one of the St. Pete beaches for a couple hours. It was really nice. Kind of just what I needed.

Since she left I’ve been kind of retrospective and introspective on all the stuff last week. I’ve been tryng to sort it out, trying to absorb it, trying to own my part in some of it. I got an email from an old neighbor (I’ll call her Linda) yesterday, saying how sorry she was not to have been able to say hi when I was in CT. Sigh.

I realized I should explain why I didn’t say hi, because I wasn’t there….and why. She is his neighbor still, because he lives next door to our old house that he lost in foreclosure. So I tried to give her the abbreviated story but you can’t abbreviate it too much, since it is what it is. She and I were not close, but we were friends. When I got done emailing with her, I realized I should call the other neighbor (I’ll call her Lisa) who is definitely one of my good friends, or was. Her son and mine grew up together. I knew if one neighbor knew, she’d find out, and probably wonder why I didn’t clue her in.

It was all good, because the one who emailed me, Linda, has the phone number of his landlord at the cottage, so I’ll be able to get in touch with him if need be. Apparently my ex called the landlord from the hospital, though I am sure he did not give the real reason he was there, to arrange to keep the rent paid, though I don’t know how that will work, since he most likely has no access to his bank account at the hospital. (Landlord said he sounded fine. SMH) Not my problem. But at least there is a connection there. I told Linda to have him call me if there’s a problem. That’s only because I am the only person the hospital is allowed by my ex to talk to. I don’t want to take it on, but it looks like I’m chosen, lol, and will try to help out when and where I can. If it starts to take it’s toll on me I will divest myself of that responsibility. I could dump it on his sister, but honestly, she has enough on her plate with my niece.

Also was feeling bad about my friend for the last couple of days, who rightly came to his senses and left me a voice mail expressing concern for my well being, since I was not posting much last week. I didn’t even see the voice mail for a half a day. But it seemed genuine, and I know he feels bad. Of course, since then I’ve posted, and he knows I’m ok, but still upset over the way things turned out there. I hate leaving things so ugly. I know that deep inside he has a good heart, and no wish to hurt anyone, and I want to acknowledge that.

Tomorrow I will talk to the therapist at 10. My therapist. Considering the way I feel today it’s a good thing. I still have trouble with all of this. A lot of PTSD with my ex, and actually some with my friend too. It will be good to get some help on dealing with it all.

Love and light.

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