Parallel Lives

Listening to the things tRump says is an awful lot like listening to my ex’s delusions. He makes it up, and then when confronted with the truth, makes up another. I don’t know if tRump actually believes the stuff he says, as my ex does. But it’s scary to me that he’s in the position he is, and so capable of making stuff up, because that’s what my ex did until one day he just broke from reality and began to actually believe the shit he made up.

His bit about the Civil War and Andrew Jackson, I mean really? Andy Borowitz said #youdumbfuck. But it’s much scarier than that. It is stupid, but the fact that the man says the stuff he does and is serious, and wants to be taken seriously, is utterly frightening. I just hope he will have an undeniable, fairly safe psychotic break that someone recognizes and just send him off to the hospital before he decides we have to start a war, or something else vile.

I really am not being politcal here, I am watching the parallel stages of my ex and tRump. So much alike, except one is wealthy and has power, and one allowed himself to fall into ruin and has no power (even though he still deludes himself that he does.) I have seen this parallel since the Orange one was a candidate, and it has frightened me, triggered me, since then to even watch the man. So I don’t…Just like I won’t talk to my ex.

I plan to call the social worker today about my ex. I want to know if he’s now taking his meds. I also want to advise them that there was a huge mold problem in my old house when my ex lived there. Because prolonged exposure to the mold may add to the other causes of his psychosis. Apparently since I left, the roof has a huge hole in it, allowing the rain to free-fall into it, and critters to get in. When I think of all the money the man had, and just let slip through his fingers in the unconscious state of his alcoholism, it is mind blowing. Why? There is no answer, it’s why he’s where he is now.

I know alcoholism is an illness. I also know it’s one people give themselves, and only they can heal it. It has disrupted my life so many times. Why is it I can have a glass or two of wine, or a couple of Margaritas and then stop? And stop because I want to, because I don’t enjoy any more than that? Yet someone like my ex could not stop until he was passed out. And then could repeat it again, the next day? There is a gene for it, but I also tend to think that when you have to earn your parents unconditional love, you grow up thinking you are not lovable just for existing, in your own right, and that causes the basic emotion of shame, being ashamed because you believe you are not good enough to just love, just because you’re here.

My ex had both issues. His parents made him earn their love and took it away when he didn’t perform to their expectation, and was beaten by his own father until he was bigger and stronger than his own father. His grandfather was an abusive alcoholic, who died of cirhossis of the liver at 53 years old, who came home drunk most nights and beat everyone in the family at will. My ex’s middle name is this grandfathers. I feel like his parents handicapped him from the day he was born, to end up where he is. Said grandfather died a year or two before my ex was born, but still. My father-in-law hated his father (the grandfather) so much that he wouldn’t call him his father. He called him his mothers husband. Yet allowed his name to be put on my ex. My ex used to use his confirmation name as his middle name, so ashamed was he of having his grandfather’s name.

Can you imagine that? Being ashamed of your name? How deep and to the core is that? I can’t imagine what my in-laws were thinking.

I’m rambling, pretty much stream of consciousness. Trying to understand, I guess. As an adult, I guess it doesn’t really matter who loves you, or how much, in most cases. By adulthood you have some basic core belief in your own value or you don’t. The unconditional love I gave to the alcoholics in my life did nothing to change their self-perception. I just have to let it go, and live my own life as best I can.

It was 77 when I woke this morning, at 6:30. The high today is going to be 82 or 83 I think. Weird to only have a few degrees difference between the low and high temps of the day. We even have a day of rain scheduled this week, which would be amazing. It is so incredibly dry here, there are still brush fires all over the interior of the state. I need to water my plants again.

Making some plans for the week, trying to get back into living the wonderful life I’ve created for myself here. Love and light everyone.

7 responses to “Parallel Lives

  1. I believe alcoholism can be both genetic and environmental. Your ex got a double whammy. He probably learned to use alcohol to medicate his emotional pain, but over time, it just made things worse. It’s sad, but I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself and keeping some distance and enjoying your life. You sure have paid your dues.

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