Amaretto on the rock at 1:30 in the morning. Not sure it’s wise, but it is, for a fact. It is. Woke up and my psyche was on overload. Why?

Oh, I don’t know. I was sitting on my couch last night, having dinner, watching TV, which is normally what I do when I’m alone. I’d had a decent day, having got a back massage, taken a walk at the water, gone to the fresh market. I had to deal with some issues around my ex, but weren’t any big deal. I had texted with the friend I had a falling out with during the day, but it was nothing substantive. Just “how’s your day going” kind of stuff. Like sticking a toe in the water to see if it’s hot or not. There I was then, just sitting, minding my own business and quite content, when I was asked (via text) if I was “hostile”. WTF? Why in the world would you ask someone that question? It seems arrogant, at best, to ask that question. Like asking “Are you an asshole?” “Are you a drunk?” “Are you stupid?”

I mean, how juvenile and condescending is that question? Was I supposed to have given it respect and a serious answer? Like it was a normal question to ask? The kind of question you’d ask if you WANTED to piss off someone you really should talk to, so you could make up a story in your head about why you didn’t talk to them when you know you probably should, but you know it will be a hard conversation.

I addressed, later, what I thought the concerns and the problem was with this person, in a kind and loving way, but there’s no response. And that in itself is response enough for me. Really, I don’t care if we talk or not. I have no interest in a confrontation. From that question, I can tell he is ready for one. Typical. Glad he chose not to. I thought I had let go of it and fell right to sleep.

At 1:30 AM, apparently my mind thought it was a good time to deal with all the extraneous stuff that came with that question. Along with some stuff with my ex.

I have a call into the social worker at the hospital, to find out if my ex is now taking the meds, and to see when and if release will beconsidered. And to tell them about the condition of the house he moved out of 18 months ago. Oh and to tell them that he was able to contact his landlord and that he asked his landlord for a ride home when he gets out of the hospital. The landlord thought he sounded “just fine.”

My sister-in-law law and I spoke last night for awhile, because now he’s calling her with his urgent message, “Call me right back.” And of course, she’s new to this, and doesn’t want to talk to him. Doesn’t want to open that door to being someone he believes will listen to him. Was nervous and a little frightened about not talking to him. She feels guilty not responding to him, and I totally get that. I was there for a long time. I know better now.

I explained to her that if there was some emergency, they would have called me (since I’m their contact person). That most likely he had created some new delusion which involved her. I told her I would not answer the phone when he called, and to let it go to voice mail, since he was calling on her landline and neither she nor I know how to block a number on a land line.

The ongoing issues with him, that actually require my involvement, didn’t help last night, especially when combined with my alleged “hostility”. My mind was slamming into walls everywhere I turned, so I turned here, and wrote it out in stream of consciousness. Wisely I left it til this morning, and realized is was not fit for publication, lol. Rambling, from one thought to another. It was all there, in a very rough draft.

My friend whose car died called me last night and apparently the bus takes her two hours to get home on. She’s looking for a ride home from her volunteer job, and I feel for her, but I don’t want to be obligated to give up an hour of my day constantly. She wanted me to pick her up and run some errands. I told her I would pick her up Thursday so she could go to open mic and asked if we couldn’t run the errands then. Feeling guilty but she needs to deal with her own stuff in life. I have spent at least 3 whole days out of the last 10 driving her around, to run errands, get to the dr., etc. It’s not like I’m not helping her out. Last week, I picked her up, took her to open mic, let her stay at my house overnight, took her home in the morning and then to her volunteer job on the other side of town. Then she spent the next 5 days with her grandkids, and as soon as she was back wanted me to run her around again. Setting boundaries….no. I will not do it every day.

I’m getting better at the boundaries thing. Finding out I have to set them, to keep myself sane.

Guess I’ll go get dressed and take a walk before it hits 90° again. And call the social worker again. Love and light.