Walking the floor in the middle of the night again. Memories, and dreams alternately running through my mind. Sad, and sweet, and hopeful, and uncertain. Dark taking turns with light inside my cerebrum. Additional worries flit through my mind. My son’s car severely damaged in the hailstorm Denver had. Wondering if my ex will have another psychotic break and what he will do this time. As if I know it will happen, but when? Will he leave me out of it next time, or will he put me back in the center of it?
I sat down, and let my stream of consciousness flow onto the page. I was exhausted, I had no light on, save my Tibetan salt lamp. I could read all my typos, but couldn’t find the backspace or delete key so left them. I wrote only two short paragraphs, and then went back to bed and slept soundly for 5 or 6 hours. This morning, I corrected the typos and saved it under “Unpublished Stuff.” I’m beginning to have quite a collection there.
Today I think I’ll just regroup. Take a walk by the water. Make some more jewelry. Read. Maybe take a nap because I have open mic tonight. I’ll call my girlfriend, the one I grew up with, and pick her up so she can go to open mic. I’ll have to take her home too, but that’s ok. I think her presence would be good for me, because she’s so familiar. Because we can reach back so far in our joint memory. It might help ground me.
I know what I want. I know what I don’t want. Choices are not so clear cut though. They are each some of the things I want and some of the things I don’t. Some choices have not yet develooped into a clear cut choice, and I can only hope I’m on the right path with them. I can only trust that the universe is driving this train.
I meditate, trying to find stillness. Today it was hard. I pray, asking for all those I love to be safe. I sip my coffee, trying to find my way into the day. Slowly, I collect myself. I vow to stay in the present moment today, and let life flow. Need to live like water.
Love and light.