Happy Mother’s Day, and a Few Other Thoughts

My sister and her husband took us to the Improv last night. It was hilarious. 2 hours of belly laughing. It was a small dinner theater (which we didn’t know, and had already gone out to eat). Held maybe 200 people. It was a really enjoyable way to spend the evening.

We had all thought we’d have to stay up to watch SNL last night, we knew it was going to be hysterical with so much fodder from the White House last week, especiall Sean Spicer. But we were all too tired to stay up when we got home, so I’ve been watching the clips, and yup. It’s hysterical.

I did not admonish my friend for her treatment of me Friday. We’ve talked since, but I just didn’t want to go there. We have been friends for so long. I thought better for me to just learn a lesson with her than try to extract any apology or even comprehension of her behavior. She’s in a bad place and I know this.

Made me think a bit about apologies though. I remembered the defining act that made me file for divorce, 6 months after I’d moved out of the house. My ex had had then what I now know to be a precursor of psychotic breaks. He woke up from a drunk, after passing out on the living room floor, and accused my son of trying to kill him, in the middle of the night, and I had to go pick my then 15 yr old son up from his house in the middle of the night.

The next day when it was sorted out, and he realized that son was not trying to kill him, I told him that he owed us all an apology. He said very smart-alecy, “Oh I’m sorry I was tired.” I said, “Tired is not what you did wrong.” He never did, and never could acknowledge and own what he did.

Isn’t that typical of a narcissist? To traumatize you beyond belief, and then apolgize for something different? There had been times when he’d said, “Oh I’m sorry.” or “I am sorry” but when pressed, to find out what he was sorry for, couldn’t speak to it.

As far as I’m concerned if a person really wants to put forth an apology, and make amends they will recognize and be accountable for their actions and tell you. They will want you to know that they understand what was unacceptable about their behavior, and try to make you believe it won’t happen again. Blanket apologies, or, in this case, an apology for something which was not the issue, just don’t work. They are meaningless. They only acknowledge that they’ve done something wrong. But what? Accuse your son falsely? Wake you up and traumatize you in the middle of the night? Ask you to accept behavior that’s unacceptable?

“I’m sorry for accusing our son. I’m sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night. I’m sorry for thinking such a horrible thing about him.” That would have been acceptable. But “I’m sorry I was tired (read drunk)” or just “I’m sorry” is not, after traumatizing someone that loves, or loved, you. It’s such a feeble attempt. It says to me that the person does not want to recognize the damage that was done, just wants to be able to tell themselves they said they were sorry. It may make them feel better, but does little to assuage the pain they caused.

Anyway, rant over. I forgive my friend, but learned my lesson. I won’t drive her around any more unless I know exactly what stops she needs to make and for how long. It’s not like it traumatized me, or even caused me any real difficulty. It was disrespectful, and I know that she didn’t really mean to disrespect me. And that she appreciated what I did for her, which she told me profusely, which was nice and let me know that she knows I went out of my way for her.

So today is Mother’s Day. My new friend gave me a box of chocolates and a card, which I totally did not expect, but it was so sweet. Literally, lol. I gave my sister a bouquet of flowers because I told her she’s always channeling my mother for me, and I used to give Mom flowers on Mother’s Day, so I was giving them to her instead. Nice to be hanging around with thoughtful, loving people.

Today sis and I might go down to the beach for a little while. It’s so nice to be so close to the beach that you don’t have to pack up the car and food and all. Grab a bottle of water, a beach towel and a beach chair. Or, hang out by the pool. Just chillaxin’. A perfect way to spend Mother’s Day. It rained last night, for the first time in ages for about an hour. A nice soaking rain. Today the temp is in the low 80’s, and dry. A perfect day to be by the water. Which is, of course, my favorite place.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms. Love and light.

5 responses to “Happy Mother’s Day, and a Few Other Thoughts

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