This morning I was trying to catch up on the Oprah-Deepak 21 day meditation. I am behind, understandably I guess. This morning is Day 18 of it, but I am back on Day 14. Day 14 is about gratitude.
For some reason this thought, this reminder from them, kind of choked me up. While going through my ex’s old things, which are half mine, yesterday, I found myself slightly triggered. Seeing pieces of a life that should have turned out differently. Triggered a little PTSD, some sadness. Some wonder about why things turned out this way for him. Even though, I do believe that this was his journey. He had lessons to learn, as do we all. Whether or not he’s learned them, well….from my perspective, probably not. But it’s not my perspective that matters, is it? I don’t know what lessons are to be learned from mental illness, but maybe there are some. Personally, it seems like a battle with reality, a refusal to accept and learn whatever lessons he’s agreed to learn in this lifetime. I guess I’ll never know.
But I do know, that the reason the idea of personal gratitude chokes me up, is because I am so grateful for the way my life has turned out. Just so grateful for so much. Grateful that I got out of that marriage before his complete descent into mental illness, before there was nothing left of all we had accumulated, for fair judges. For my son’s ability to walk away from his father. I am so grateful I was able to move to FL, to have found my house in the perfect community not far from my sister.
I am so glad I have been able to let go of a toxic relationship that kept me down, and uncertain, and generally unhappy. I’m not sure what it was that kept me coming back. Maybe a hope I had, which is what Dan has said. That maybe I thought that if I loved him enough he’d finally love me back. I don’t think, personally, that he was capable of loving anyone, because he doesn’t love himself, and only looks to women to validate his life. Not to share life, or care for them, but to boost his ego.
I look at how Dan cared for me yesterday, at that storage bin, faced with all these pieces of an old life. How his concern was not for how uncomfortable he was, which was considerable, but for how hard this was for me. I told him, had he not been there, I probably would have opened that overhead door, stared at the contents and shut the door. It’s amazing, how wonderful it is to actually share love with someone. Love that is easy, happy, contented. He’s a blessing in my life, and someone for whom I am truly grateful.
Anyway, gratitude is on my mind this morning. We have to go get my ex’s keys this morning, which in itself is creepy. Going to the hospital, and to the floor he is on. If the key to his Buick Grand National is there, we will try to start the car. My ex has removed the back seat, and the headliner in the car. I have no idea why, but maybe he thought he was going to restore it. Maybe? Or maybe there was a delusion that there was something hidden in it. I’ll never know. That car was originally, purportedly, bought because I needed a car. But it became his baby, and I wasn’t even allowed to drive it. It was a limited edition car, and the fastest car built in America when we bought it. But it was a manipulation by him, it was never my car.
I will try to remember that this was my old life, and not my life now. I will try to remember all the wonderful things I have going on now, and the friends that embrace me. I will try to continue to put the men who have hurt me in the past. I will continue to love the man who loves me.
Love and light.